Wiccan Aphorisms

  1. A witch's power is directly proportional to the number of other witches who hate her. A witch's intent is inversely proportional to the number of other witches who like her.

  2. Black magick is any magick that works for you - but not for me.

  3. "The Great Goddess" is YHVH after surgery.

  4. Laying a trick in someone else's house does not make you a witch.
    Finding one in your own house probably will.

  5. Sex magick is blood sacrifice without the sincerity.
    Blood sacrifice is sex magick without the fun.

  6. There are two kinds of Wiccans in America: those who owe their religion to the 1960's "counterculture", and those who don't. (The second group is somewhat smaller than the first.)

  7. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
    If witches were horses, beggars would make glue.

  8. Playing Dungeons & Dragons actually is a lot like Wicca - but don't tell anybody.

  9. No witch stands so tall as when she stoops to clean the litter-box.

  10. A good witch harms no one. A better witch laughs at the good witch.

  11. If you gathered together all the known pieces of the True Cross, you could build a house big enough to hold all the authentic Gardnerian Books of Shadows.

  12. A High Priestess is only as good as her last Sabbat - and as bad as her last expulsion.

  13. Bad invocations, like bad poems, are often the most deeply felt.

  14. A ouija board is a waste of money if it doesn't work, and a waste of time if it does.

  15. While nothing is truly unwelcome at a Sabbat feast, it's a safe bet to leave the Twinkies, Chee-tos, and Hi-C fruit punch at home.

  16. When witchcraft is outlawed, only outlaws will ride brooms.

  17. The words of the Magus are to know, to will, to dare, and one other I could remember if everyone would shut up a moment.

  18. The most radical notion in Wicca is that religion can be fun.

  19. For every Pagan who actually gets it, there are two who could get it but don't want to bother, three who'd never get it if they tried, and four who can't hear you above all the talking and loud music.

  20. Those whom the Goddess wishes to destroy, She first makes computer system operators.

  21. Wiccans and Jehovah's Witnesses really agree on a lot of things - they only feel differently about them.

  22. Pagan Gatherings would be a lot more restrained if participants thought they'd ever have to meet again in the real world.

  23. Before any public ritual, always remember to:
    1. Get the ashtrays out of storage.
    2. Clean the bathroom.
    3. Hide all hairbrushes.

  24. Sex is for Wiccans what cannibalism is for Catholics: a symbolic ritual act that we admit to only under duress.

  25. Thelemites are just traditional Wiccans with better lawyers.

  26. Q. What is the difference between "nature spirituality" and "Witchcraft"?
    A. Who wants to know?

  27. Death is Nature's way of telling a Wiccan to turn off the computer.

  28. The day your ritual goes off without a hitch, it's probably time for a re-write.

  29. It is easier, and more humane, to bake a sacrificial harvest-loaf, than to tear apart a live goat with your bare hands. But which makes the most lasting impression?

  30. Crystals are the Earth's way of telling you you're making too much money.

  31. True gods were never meant to be worshipped, only absorbed.

  32. Killing a covener who accidentally knocks over the incense bowl - thereby spilling twenty-five dollars worth of lignum aloes into the carpet - is not a good idea, however understandable.

  33. There is more black magic in one day on Wall Street than in ten years of Wiccan Sabbats.

  34. Never expect a police officer to understand the ritual nature of your athame.

  35. If we Witches took the energy we spend attacking one another and turned it instead toward our persecutors, we might all live happier, more productive lives - and Pagan magazines would make very dull reading.

  36. In the next aeon, we're on our own.

  37. Better a hundred evangelists comdemn you for eternity, than one landlord should complain about the smoke coming from your room.

  38. When one witch warns you that another witch is evil, be on your guard - against the witch who warned you.

  39. If you're hungry, invoke for food.
    If you're sick, invoke for health.
    If you're poor, invoke for money.
    If you're lonely, invoke for love.
    If you're sad, invoke for happiness.
    Then you can start invoking to save the rain-forest.

  40. If the Wiccan Rede was created, as some suggest, to alleviate the fears of cowens, it appears not to have worked.

  41. A jailed patriot loves his country, and a persecuted witch loves her gods.

  42. Many Neo-Pagans are just Creative Anachronists with a bit more sincerity.

  43. In a society less decadent than ours, Neo-Paganism wouldn't have a chance - but genuine Paganism would flourish.

  44. Two witches, eight opinions.

  45. A Keltic Cross is an Egyptian ankh that got past the church door.

  46. A witch in time is an hour early for the Sabbat.

  47. Christian Fundamentalists may object to single parents on earth, yet have no problem accepting one in heaven.

  48. "As above, so below", they tell us. Then why do our gods look so much cooler than we do?

  49. Interesting Fact: Three of the four Greater Sabbats fall at the beginning of a network "sweeps" month.

  50. Saying that Aleister Crowley wrote the Gardnerian Book of Shadows is like saying professional wrestling is rigged - what's the point?

  51. If the Pope excommunicated the way some High Priestesses banish, there'd be a major housing shortage in hell.

  52. There are no "good" or "evil" witches, only those you can't afford to ignore.

  53. Never forget that there are genuinely good Christian people in the world, and that their religion may have something to do with it.

  54. Please refrain from snickering at the Priestess during the Gnostic Mass.
    That butt on the altar may one day be yours.

  55. The shortest distance between two athame points, is in a very crowded circle.

  56. A witch meets two kinds of people in the world: witches, and those who are glad they're not witches.

  57. For a lot of us, life sucks, then you die. For Wiccans, life sucks, then you die, then it doesn't suck as much, then you die again.

  58. No witch ever lost anything by doing nothing. When in doubt, veg out.

  59. It's as easy to be a Pagan in the city as in the country. It's harder to be a Pagan in the suburbs.

  60. Not all the P.F.P.'s of the world are male, and that second P doesn't always stand for "pussy."

  61. A Christian relies on faith above everything else.
    A Wiccan relies on it only when nothing else is left.

  62. Many people are drawn to the Craft for what it isn't. Those who stay in the Craft appreciate what it is.

  63. Of course you can cast a perfectly fine circle with a kitchen knife. But there's something about a two-hundred dollar hand-forged designer athame that makes you want to cast it more often.

  64. Witches never die before their time, except in the real world.

  65. No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?

  66. Everyone is a magician in cyberspace.

  67. Athames are like penises. The size may not matter, but most people like 'em bigger anyway.

  68. Q: You see two witches riding their brooms across a moonlit night. How can You tell which one is the wicked witch?
    A: The one with the vibrating broom stick!

    Q: How can You tell which one has the vibrating broom stick?
    A: The one that's cackling!

  69. Any fool could be a witch with a runic knife, but it takes skill to be one with an apple-corer" -- Terry Pratchett

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