Why Hedgehogs Are Becoming Extinct



The Hedgehog Song,
v1.5

from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett

This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup.If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses, please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them to Matthew Crosby or Leo Breebaart. Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is `if you stand on a stool', but this doesn't really rhyme. I've tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I missed any, let me know."

Further edited, and the giraffe verse re-worked, by Sharon Phillips, May 8, 1994


Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have this to say as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have a ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1:

The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you will find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a stallion can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2:

The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but more holes in your prick.
He's so well defended when curled in a ball,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

A seal is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Or capture a dove in the dove-cote, an' all,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You might try a fish when you dive in the pool,
Or a giraffe, if you climb on a stool,
Or even the captain of guards on the wall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1


A Filk Parody...

An Andriod Can Never
Be Buggered At All

OPTIONAL CHORUS:

Roll them all over and turn them around,
An android can never be buggered at all.

The captain was flying that famous starship,
And heard shrieking that came from Ten Forward,
Said he to the crewman still nursing his dick,
Ah, an android, my lad, can't be buggered at all;
The humans are fine, if you want a good time,
And a changeling will come when you call,
And if you like scales, a Cardassian's fine,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

Now a Klingon is great though his holes come in twos,
Which gives you the option to pick and to choose,
You can bugger an ensign, a doctor or nurse,
A romp with a Romulan's anus is worse,
A Vulcan, with logic, can be won around,
Though it takes mass debates (or so I have found),
But with Mister Data, I urge do not fool,
For an android can never be buggered at all.

Will Riker is handy if you're feeling randy,
Go bugger LaForge, you will find he is dandy,
Ream out the ass of the resident Vulcan,
Or bugger Wes Crusher (if he isn't sulking),
If you don't want to bugger Bev Crusher's wee boy,
Then make an appointment with Counsellor Troi,
But Data's impervious - doesn't pass stools,
That android can never be buggered at all.

If you try it with Worf, you'll have to use force,
You can bugger Bev Crusher (you'll have to change course),
Mister Berkeley is coy, so you won't get much joy,
The Captain he buggers his own cabin boy,
You can do it with Q, though he'll sneer at you,
And buggering Guinan is quite fun to do,
But the cry that rings out through the Enterprise halls,
Is that androids can never be buggered at all.

You can bugger a Klingon when orgies are swinging,
Or you can plug yourself into a Borg,
Borg sex gives implants a damned whole new meaning,
You can bugger the Jem Hadar horde,
Bugger a Romulan, nothing is wrong with 'em,
But there's one fact that can't be ignored,
An android has skin where you'd like to plug in,
And cannot be buggered at all.

You can bugger Vidians or bugger a Kazon,
You can do Hirojen if you are that crazy,
You can bugger an alien, bugger a human,
If you haven't much time you can bugger a crewman,
The Ready Room's empty, your pecker is hard,
You don't want promotion so bugger Picard,
With Tasha Yar you can sure have a ball,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

Spock in the old Enterprise was at work,
When he got a strange call from Captain James Kirk,
Spock lifted and eyebrow and said "Hello Jim,"
Kirk told him "Bend over" then gave it to him,
Now Chekov and Sulu, those crewmates are chums,
And after the shift ends they both have sore bums,
McCoy gives his patients his medical tool,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

You can go stick your cock in the rectum of Spock,
And give him a reaming with fury,
There's a comely young maid can be anally laid,
So open a channel with Uhura,
And if you feel queer, try the ship's engineer,
With Scotty your pleasure won't pall,
But when hunting behind, just bear this in mind -
Androids can't be buggered at all!

On Deep Space Nine, they find anal a lark,
When Sisko gets horny he buggers poor Quark,
If Quark then complains that his asshole is sore,
He has to stay down and get buggered some more,
While those who like assholes exotic and foreign,
Stick their tool up the tail of a nearby Bajoran,
They all are fine buggers, they learnt it at school,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

To bugger O'Brien you'll have to keep trying,
Though Bashir can be buggered with ease,
Be sure of your facts before buggering Dax,
Cos the symbiont in her will tease,
Bugger Odo, but quickly, in case he goes liquid,
And leaves you with slime on your tool,
But when you crave ass, you'll find life's not a gas,
Androids can't be buggered at all.

The Voyager's far out in uncharted race,
And Chakotay's ass is a total disgrace,
Tom Paris has used it, so has Ensign Kim,
And even the holodoctor's buggered him,
B'Lanna's half-Klingon, she's sure full of spunk,
But most of it in her ass, not in her cunt,
You can bugger Vidians, with holograms fool,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

You can bugger Chakotay and bugger Kath Janeway,
Bugger the Doctor and take all the pain 'way,
You can bugger cook Neelix, though do it with feeling,
Or do Seven of Nine if you find her kneeling,
You can bugger Tom Paris, his asshole is harrassed,
Or bugger B'Lanna, the Klingon who's twin-assed,
Ensign Kim's ready, with ass tight and small,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

If there's steel in your cock, why not bugger Tuvok?
His ass, like his logic, is solid as rock,
You can cling to a Klingon or come in a Kazon,
Or butt-fuck with Kes 'cos she's truly amazing,
If you bugger the Borg queen, she's truly obscene,
If you can find her you'll see what I mean,
But don't try an android, your thruster will stall,
Cos androids can never be buggered at all.

Now you may be thinking that nothing is greater,
Than quenching your rod in the bunghole of Data,
Anatomically perfect? His ass is your goal,
But though he has buttocks, he hasn't a hole,
Those daydreams of Data are hard to avoid,
Aah! To be sated within an android!
But when you get to it, this one fact will gall -
That an android can never be buggered at all.

He has many functions and all of them male,
As Tasha Yar found out, Mister Data likes tail,
But the Enterprise homos are feeling quite glum,
Because Data, he has an imperforate bum,
His programs are many, but lacking I fear,
For none of subroutines cater for 'queer',
So remember this fact when you're tempted to maul,
That an android can never be buggered at all.

You can bugger Hans Solo but never Darth Vader,
Whose black teflon ass repels anal invaders,
You can bugger Chewbacca and get furry thrills,
Engage Skywalker's ass in a battle of wills,
If you like royal ass then seduce Princess Leia,
You can bugger her senseless whenever you lay 'er,
You can bugger Kenobi if you use the force,
But an android can never be buggered at all.

If your tastes run to metal, try R2D2,
But he has no sphincter, there's little to do
And though C3P0 has a humanoid shape,
His metallic body is immune to ass-rape.
Now, raping a robot can never be done,
And prototype Farve gets no butt-fucking fun,
From his human cop partner in Total Recall,
Cos androids can never be buggered at all.

Those Blade Runner androids are awfully cute,
Athletic and strong and attractive to boot,
The best way to tell them apart from the masses,
Is the absence of holes in their cute android asses.
Bishop's an android - he's called a synthetic,
With white stuff for blood and his bits are prosthetic,
But the Alien queen she don't like him at all,
Cos androids can never be buggered at all.

Try Terminator, a really cool dude,
Red diode eyes and a mean attitude,
He's metal and plastic and has lots of class,
But you can't slip one up his titanium ass.
Robocop's clunky, a part-human creation,
He walks like a guy who has bad constipation,
His Sheffield Steel butt will reject any tool,
Cos an android can never be buggered at all.

Though rogering robots sounds really good fun,
The act is perverted and cannot be done,
The bodies of Daleks permit no penetration,
You can try if you wish, and get extermination.
In silver, the Cybermen might look delicious,
But they're only machines without rear orifices,
The Futureworld sexbots like sirens will call,
But androids can never be buggered at all.

If you feel lusty, get out your tool trusty,
But don't use a robot whose rear-entry's rusty,
Data he always seems anxious to please,
And if you ask nicely goes down on his knees,
But his skin is pale yellow with no sign of hair,
And the hole that's your goal is simply not there!
You may be a queer from the best private school,
But an android can never be buggered at all!


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