A Weasel Wiccan Witual

by Fara Shimbo


Participants in floppy witch hats enter, bearing the Holy Fhood and Drinkh. Arrange tastefully around altar area. Prominent should be the Golden Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself.

Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion invocations:

EAST, being Air, signifies media and mass communications. Invite the Marx brothers, Firesign Theatre, Douglas Adams, and Robert Anton Wilson, and, of course, the Illuminati, as representatives of Chaos. (Squeeze squeaky toys)

SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelity to ideals. I suggest John Lennon and our witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred Right To Be Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave, but luckier. (Hide the Matches.)

WEST, for Water, signifies here the Waters of Life, i.e.: Bhooze. Invite W. C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine and beer, respectively.) (Slug some eggnog.)

NORTH, for Earth, signifies the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the Universe and Everything. Toast the Mystery itself and invite it to relax, take off its cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.)

And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother, Lady Luck Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up the Golden Apple, hail Her enthusiastically and invite Her to the party.

Close the Circle, which is, of course, semi-permeable to weasel-kind.

Light altar candle; assume *ahem* serious demeanor. Whoever is to read, don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestment. Proceed:

"For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, loki, Raven, Dionysius, and Robin Hood; to save us all from Santa's power when we have come to play, o tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is his Mother a Virgin, for She believeth in a good time. And when He came forth, She wrapped him in a National Enquirer and cradled him in her top hat, which holdeth all the stars of all the skies plus 500 foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came to Marvel (and to DC) because indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they beheld it."

And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son: "Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?"

And the TinyOne spoke, surprising all butthe Mother of the Unexpected:

"Let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and demented animal of all to play with. And since I have a feeling that this party will be repeated many, many times, let's make that a rule: anyone celebrating My birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch and the Song and the Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises--which will never be lacking with Them around. Let them do this in honor of Me."

And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up).

"This is the Sacred Weasel, beloved little monster, honored pest, dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May it always remind us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises."

(Holdup plate of cookies) "This is the Holy Fhood; we share it in Their names, and with the wish that we should always keep Life as interesting and strange as possible."

(Hold up Holy Bhooze) "This is the Holy Spiked Eggnog; we share in with the understanding that reality can always use a little bending."

Share all, general hailing, toasts, silliness, woozle snoozling, tricks and demonstration of weasel arranging. Guard honored guests of all species from over-indulging in and/or diving into eggnog. Songs are an excellent idea.

Open circle whenever you feel like it.


Fara Shimbo, an ethnologist living outside Boulder, Colorado with her husband Robert, ferret, Ruby, Siamese cat, Mong, and Thoroughbred Hunter, Official Dude (AKA Chewie). She is main honcho of  the Ferret Unity and Registration Organization (FURO), a weasel warrior of renown and author of The Ferret Book and, with Bill Phillips, of Ferrets and the New Inquisition, published by the California Domestic Ferret Association (Box 1861, Healdsburg, CA 95448. She is editor-in-chief of The Weasel Help Monthly, newsmagazine of FURO, available by joining FURO, PO Box 18193, Greensboro, NC 27419.


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