December 25, 1997
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very Thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.
My everlasting love,
December 27, 1997
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist - -you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
December 28, 1997
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they ARE beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are just being Too romantic.
December 29, 1997
What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these lovely birds can really squawk and are getting on my nerves.
December 30, 1997
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
December 31, 1997
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't get a damn bit of sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense.
This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
January 1, 1998
What in the screaming hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? Jesus! I think I prefer the goddamn birds. The goddamn maids-a-milking had to bring their goddamn cows. There is cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can't even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.
January 2, 1998
You sadistic bastard! I now have nine pipers piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
January 3, 1998
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the goddamn cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause as to why this building should not be condemned. I'm calling the police! I mean it, by God!
January 4, 1998
Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be witness to eleven Lords-a-leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay TV. For the record, all 23 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, some how, some day, I'LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fucking face again as long as I live.
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
January 5, 1998
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habersham. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight! With this letter please find attached, a warrant for your arrest.