Tips for Halloween Survival

Since there has been reports of unsafe hex going on over the last few years resulting in the loss of several viable members within the community it has been brought to my attention that there is the need to present safety tips for those of us who dare to venture beyond our own "safe" houses.

These experiences have been very well documented and put up on the silver screen for all to see. For those of you who have not paid attention to the documentation, this is the official Halloween Public Service Announcement. Take note, so each and every one of you all can have an enjoyable Holiday.

  1. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

  2. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.

  3. Castles are not normally found in the American Midwest. Be wary.

  4. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

  5. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

  6. If the house you're in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

  7. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately, if not sooner.

  8. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

  9. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

  10. If entering your room you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

  11. It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

  12. Never put your back to or lean on a door.

  13. If a unknown creature is locked inside of a pantry, closet, etc, don't open it.

  14. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

  15. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

  16. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

  17. Don't look under the bed.

  18. If your dance partner has no reflection, chances are s/he just might be a vampire.

  19. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

  20. As tempting as it is, don't have sex until the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is dead. For some unknown reason, the maniac/spirit/demon/creature will aways be attracted to sexually active couples -- at precisely the wrong time.

    • Note: Vampires like virgin blood. So this is the one and only time where the "no having sex" rule doesn't apply. Have fun!

    • ... but first make sure your partner is not a vampire.  Check in a mirror.

  21. If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

  22. Don't try to kill the maniac/spirit/demon/creature. Chances are good that it will never die; it's got to be around for the sequels to kill your kids, remaining family, and/or the people you sold the house to.

  23. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you.

    • Note: If you hack it into tiny pieces, you run the risk of the pieces regenerating. Then you'll have a dozen of the buggers to deal with.

  24. If you've shot at the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the heck out of there!

  25. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

  26. If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

  27. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.

  28. The more cowardly you are, the more likely you are to get eaten. Do the minimum amount to help others.

  29. When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.

  30. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

  31. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

  32. If the maniac/spirit/demon/creature has just finished killing your partner, don't be a hero. There is nothing more you can do for him/her. Get the hell away from there. Far away.

  33. If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/ creature is now in front of you.

  34. Listen to the dying person. They have the best ideas.

  35. If your date falls to the ground, writhing, and tells you to "Go away," s/he means to go away, not to stand there screaming your fool head while s/he changes into a werewolf, demon, etc. Listen to her/him and vacate the premises.

  36. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.

  37. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

  38. If your "new friend" promises to do you a favor for the price of your soul, politely decline.

  39. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

  40. If you are the son or blood relative [no pun intended] of any maniac/spirit/demon/creature and/or homicidal mutant, go ahead and kill yourself now. Your friends will thank you in the long run.

  41. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get out of the area.

  42. Your pets can sense trouble. Check out how they are behaving. If they are going nuts, get the hell out of dodge.

  43. Never follow the squeals, barking, screaming, etc, of your pet if they go into dark hole. You can do nothing to save Sparky.

  44. If the animals on your farm start getting sucked into the ground, leave the premises.

  45. If relatives, friends, pets, or livestock come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

  46. Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the Ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

  47. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

  48. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell or Nebraska.

  49. If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

  50. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

  51. If a toy talks to you, and it doesn't have batteries in it at the time, there is a very good chance that you may want to get rid of it.

  52. Always believe the kid. Even if the kid has lied before, even if you think that the kid has been watching too much TV, believe the kid. Do you want to take the chance that the kid might not be right?

  53. The kid in the movie almost always has a way to solve any problem. No matter how strange the advice sounds, take it. The kid will almost always be a hell of a lot smarter than you.

  54. If any children -- yours or others -- speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. [Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.]

  55. The weirdo, the person nobody believes, is always the one who saw this coming.

  56. Never, ever, make fun of the "weird" kid.

  57. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

  58. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

  59. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

  60. Don't scold anyone for their weird habits (excluding the collectors of weird stuff). That habit could end up saving your ass.

  61. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

  62. Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

  63. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.

  64. Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers, wielding axes, laser pistols, Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators or Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles.

  65. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

  66. Never speak to clowns in sewers.

  67. If you see a man wearing a hockey mask and you are nowhere near an ice rink or hockey season, it is best to leave the area immediately.

  68. Familiarize yourself with the names of known homicidal maniacs. You don't want to confuse Mike Meyers with Michael Meyers.

  69. Beware of sadistic dentists.

  70. If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

  71. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:

    • Amityville
    • Elm Street
    • Crystal Lake
    • Transylvania
    • Nilbog (Gods help you if you recognize this one)
    • Mydian
    • Arkham -- especially the local university.
    • Questa Verde
    • The Bermuda Triangle
    • Any small town in Maine.
  72. If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

  73. No, those crop circles were not made by pathetic nerds that can't get a date.

  74. Don't go camping.

  75. Don't wear high heels on a camp ground, in the woods, on the beach, etc.

  76. Don't buy and take home any weird plants that the person who sold it to you can't identify.

  77. If you are dumb enough to buy an unidentified plant, and it asks you for blood, take pruning shears and chop the hell out of it.

  78. If you are sold a strange, furry, cute creature by a Chinese man, follow all of the directions.

  79. The saying "Only the good die young" doesn't apply in a horror movie. It is usually the real bastards who go first.  Be good.

  80. If you have a weird habit of collecting insects, spiders, etc., well, it's been nice knowing you. You're dead.

  81. Discontinue feeding your spiders anything that you describe as "spider steroids." 

  82. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.

  83. Never question or grumble at your superiors when they ask you to bring weapons. Chances are, you are going to need them.

  84. Never ever say that things couldn't get worse. They always do.

  85. 911 will never believe your call, but they will believe the conspiracy theory radio D.J. Go figure.

  86. Don't rely on 911. They always come after the fact.

  87. If you have a cell phone, get rid of it. It will almost always go off at an inopportune time and will reveal your location.

  88. If the hostile aliens are knocking constantly at the door, check for other entrances. They are smarter than you and are likely trying to distract you.

  89. Try not to piss off the hostile aliens. Revenge is a bitch.

  90. Always keep a new spare tire in the trunk.

  91. If you are driving alone on a dark, rainy night, and three motorcycles pass you in the opposite direction, DON'T get out and follow them for help when your car breaks down.

  92. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

  93. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

  94. Do not go looking for Witches in the Maryland countryside.

  95. If the choice is listening to the Native America and the decrepid preacher, go with the Indian. It saves a lot of pain in the long run.

  96. If you are dumb enough to give the man eating plant blood, keep some eletricity on hand.

  97. Ever since the shower scene in Psycho, rarely do movies ever give the hero or the most famous person a break. Yes, famous people can die, too. You have been warned. (They do make exceptions as far as kids are concerned. If they did not, the audience would be really pissed.)

  98. Get rid of all talking toys that do not seem to run on batteries.

  99. Beware men who still live with their mothers. This goes double if they are somewhat charming, run an inn, and has taxidermy as a hobby.

  100. If an alien tentacle has invaded any of your orifices and then leaves willingly, do not assume that you are fine. Do not eat or drink anything. Get to a hospital with a complete set of testing equipment immediately.

  101. If any of your companions were entered/posessed/bitten by a supernatural/evil/alien entity, acted stranglely (e.g. speaking in tongues or eating brains) but appear to have been cured, do not offer to drive them home. Tie them up and leave. Send a professional back for them.

  102. Never buy fruit at the Goblin Market.

  103. If your new romantic interest sparkles or smokes when exposed to sunlight, politely end the relationship. Start eating food containing a lot of garlic. This will avoid much pain and drama over time.

  104. Never follow a white rabbit into a strange hole/forest/building/etc.

  105. Work out regularly so you can run, hang from gutters or vines, and fight effectively.

  106. If a variety of strange people tell you that "The end is near" develop an exit strategy... now!

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Last Updated 19-Aug-2016   Sitemap

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