Things You Will Never Hear a Pagan Say
(By diverse members of a Hermetic Study Group)


This piece spewed from the minds of various Hermetic Study Group members one evening, as we sat trying to get our heads around the Tree of Life. So, in the spirit of the Spring Goddess of laughter, joy, and fun, we present to you equal opportunity pissing on...

Alexandrian Wicca:
Yes, we admit it - we nicked everything from the Gardnerians.
Arthurian Enthusiasts:
Guinevere was really a Pictish warrior princess!
I think 'The Sword in the Stone' is a really great film.
Astrologer:
But your Sun sign is the most important sign!
Sorry I'm late - it was a traffic jam and not anything planetary at all.
I'm a big fan of astronomy.
We're about to enter the Age of Aquarius. Meh.
Celtic Faerie Shaman:
I'd better read up on that before I write a book about it...
I read the Tain bo Cuailgne in its original language.
Celtic Tradition:
Of course, we don't actually know anything about the historical Celts.
I hate Celtic knotwork.
Bloody bog trotters and sheep shaggers!
I find Cerridwen to be a very nice Goddess, don't you?
Chaos Magician:
No, no, no! You're doing it all wrong!
I think H.P. Lovecraft books are unimaginative.
Crowley:
This table of correspondences is too complicated...
I think it's about time I settled down with a family and started going to church...
I like my Mother.
I used to think I knew my stuff, but now I've read Silver Ravenwolf I'm willing to step down.
I couldn't fit this into Kabbalah!
Dianic:
Shall we have an open ritual for all the men?
Face it - menstruation is just a bloody nuisance.
The earliest cultures were patriarchal and peaceful.
Sorry, I can't come to the ritual tonight - my husband's ill.
Discordians:
Hang on, that doesn't make any sense!
Nope, too weird for me.
Eris is just a minor Goddess - we can ignore her.
No, no, no, no, no! First you cast the circle, then you fill the bathtub with brightly coloured East German power tools, only after all that do you give your offerings to Eris! Keep to the structure people!
Druidry:
I agree with Time Team's action at Seahenge.
No cider for me, thanks.
Oh I couldn't possibly sing that! I'm too embarrassed!
I think English Heritage is doing a great job.
Eclectic Pagan:
You must remain true to each culture's specific traditions and practices!
That has no value to my spiritual path whatsoever.
My way is the only true way to God!
Attributing that meaning to that deity ignores the wider context.
Eco-Pagan:
Let's go to MacDonald's!
That tree's got bad energy - cut it down!
Recycling is for pussies with a guilty conscience.
Actually, I think GM is an interesting approach to...
Protesting? Nah, it's just a waste of time.
I've never been on an anti-capitalist demonstration.
I bought shares in Esso/Nestlé/Microsoft/MacDonalds.
Fam. trad:
Yes, Ron Hutton - nice guy, excellent research.
Fiona Horne:
No way, that's too gimmicky!
Fluffy bunny:
I read this in a book and just had to validate it by cross-referencing it against this academic journal...
I never do anything unless it's got empirical proof.
I don't believe that.
Gardnerians:
Y'know, I think Aleister Crowley was a very enlightened individual...
Alicen Geddes-Ward:
No, YOU can't be a Faerie Priestess.
Gerald Gardner:
Actually, we'll skip the scourging for this ritual...
For Gods' sakes, put your clothes back on!
Nah, I made it all up.
Golden Dawn:
Right, let's make this ritual short and simple.
Hedgewitch/Solitary:
I think you can only be a real witch if you're initiated into a coven.
No, online Pagan forums hold no charm for me.
King Arthur Pendragon:
For goodness sake, we can drink later - keep your minds on the ritual!
New Agers:
I've got too many crystals.
Some of my best friends are Satanists.
You want me to heal you with that??!!
Hello, I'm a New Ager.
Yes, I was initiated into Gardner's original coven in 1972. Eventually got my Third Degree y'know.
All this Native American stuff is just a fad.
I think Glastonbury's crap.
No, one of my past lives was not in Atlantis.
I was no-one special in a past life.
I think the British Empire was a really good idea...
Call me fluffy, and I'll BLOODY KILL YOU!!!
Northern Heathens/Asatru:
I'm teetotal.
I quite like the idea of the Christian heaven.
I'm a huge Wagner fan.
Ralph Blum is my hero!
Runes? Ah, I could take 'em or leave 'em.
Freyja is not my ideal woman.
Ronald Hutton:
It's an unbroken tradition you say? Okay, I'll take your word for it.
Satanists:
Hekas, hekas, este Babloi!
An' it harm none, do what ye will.
I believe in the Law of Threefold Return.
I hate egoists.
Can I help you?
I have immense respect for the Pope.
Let's recite this Latin invocation forwards!
Shamans:
Kids, just say no.
Silver Ravenwolf:
Let's keep a sense of proportion and dignity in our magic.
Starhawk:
Yes it's true. I do suffer from penis envy.
SubGenius:
No, really -- We are a joke!
Tarot-holic:
Y'know, I think I've got too many Tarot decks...
No, that's only got a very tenuous link to the Tarot...
That card means you're going to die!
The King of Wands is really not my type.
I don't think we can make a deck with that theme...
Thelemites:
I'm trying to bring out my Inner Child.
Of course, the Book of the Law is a badly written fake...
I don't think much of Goth or Industrial music, but how about that Cliff Richard?
I enjoy wearing bright colours...
I only wear black because it's slimming.
I think Arthur Edward Waite was on the right track...
Actually, I think Christianity is a really nice religion.
Maybe Crowley did do too many drugs.
You're eclectic are you? Cool!
Here, eat these cookies - I've empowered them with love and light.
Wanna-blessed-bes:
Right, the first book I'm going to read is Triumph of the Moon...
No, I don't think you're patronizing me or oppressing me at all!
And finally, ones we're all guilty of (or not, as the case may be)...
Nah, let's not go down the pub tonight - isn't there anywhere else we can have a moot?
Isn't it great that we all agree?
Let's call our social events 'meetings'!
Everybody here on time? Yes? Good.
Monotheism is clearly a superior concept.
Beltane celebration? Nah, I'll stay at home thanks.
I don't see what's so great about Stonehenge...
Tabloid journalists get their facts straight about Pagans...
There should be a Pagan evangelical movement.
You know all those recent cattle and horse mutilation crimes? That was us.
I don't mind people taking the piss out of my spiritual path in a university society magazine...

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