The Politics of Cows


Democrat

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

Socialist (the theory)

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Socialist (the reality)

You have no cows.
You form a cooperative that buys two cows.
The cooperative pays someone to take care of the cows.
He pays 60% tax on his wages.
The cooperative pays an additional 30% for the herders social benefits.
The cows give milk which is sold back to the coop members plus 22% VAT.
The government has a budget surplus, buys two cows and sells the milk for less than the cooperative.

Communist

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism

American Style (1800s)

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

American Style (1900s)

You have a cow.
You masturbate your neighbor's bull
You impregnate your cow with the stolen sperm.
You keep doing this, underselling your neighbor's dairy products.
You buy your bankrupt neighbor's farm at auction.

American Style (2000s)

You patent bovine DNA.
You assert intellectual property rights over all things bovine.
You hire a herd of lawyers to defend your patents.
You cash the royalty checks.

Asian Style

You clone cows.
Your produce and export dairy products at a fraction of American costs.
Your own people are still poor and undernourished.

Bureacracy (American Style)

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

Corporations

American

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

British

You have two cows.
They are mad.
They die.
Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

French

Vous avez deux vaches.
Vous faites la grève parce que vous voulez trois vaches.
Vous allez déjeuner et boire du vin.
La vie est bonne.
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

Japanese

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Indian

You have two cows.
You worship both of them.

Italian

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

New Zealand

You have two cows
Both cows have an affinity for sheep.
The cows do not reproduce and the species dies out.

Russian

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Swiss

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

Taliban

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk Production but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqi

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

US States

Alaska

You have two cows. Global warming wreaks havoc on the enviroment.
Your cows fall through the melting ice and drown.
Sarah Palin shoots a moose a helicopter.
She poses for pictures with the dead moose, calling it cow.
She blames you for poaching your own cows.
She gets to host an environmental show about the wonders of Alaskan cows on the Discovery Channel.

Arizona

You have millions of cows.
None speak English.
None have papers.
The Arizona cops turns them over to the IRS for departation.
You pay a fine for employing illegal immigrants.

California

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Florida

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

Massachusetts

You have two bulls.
They're deeply in love.
That's just fine.

Texas

You have two bulls.
They're deeply in love.
You kill them both and make barbeque.


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Last Updated 19-Aug-2016   Sitemap

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