Well I saw this ad in the paper last night
'Bout how to be a witch and it sounded outta sight
So I sent my five dollars through the local mail
And when my kit arrived, I knew it couldn't fail
Fat city! Conjuration's! Easy livin', waitin' for me.
Now the mimeo sheet said time it with the moon,
Timing's real important if you want your magick soon
So I tried on my robe, just for fun you know
And I read the words, tryin' 'em out real slow.
Sounded spooky! Lotsa funny words, like Agla Eheieh 'n' stuff like that.
Well all of a sudden the lights kinda died
And Irving my cat well he ran away ta hide
I saw this black shape appear above the floor
And an ominous voice said "Who opened up the door?"
What door? I didn't see nuthin', just a black thing floatin' in the air.
He said, "Who calls me up and doesn't know my Name,
Gets his ass beat to hell where he gets more of the same."
Then I knew I'd landed in a mess
If I didn't watch out, I'd wind up repossessed
Padded walls, pukin' slime, cussin' in Latin, all kinda weird stuff
So I grabbed the incense labeled 'For Emergencies'
And poured on the charcoal till it damn near made me sneeze
With a gag and a retch the demon made a quick retreat
And so did the cat, I didn't blame him in the least
It was BAD! Worse'n day old vomit; looked at the label,
What in the hell is asafoetida?
The lights came back on and I looked around
Irving my cat was no where to be found
Then I saw the burner still goin' full tilt
And I had to put it out 'cause it made me feel ill.
It was HOT! Burned my fingers, scorched my rug, cracked my best ashtray.
Well, Irving and I, we've learned a thing or two
Since that day long ago, when I was such a fool
There's a lotta books 'n' a lotta fast schemes
But real witchcraft ain't so easy to be seen
It's hidden, es-o-teric, but it's there -- if you can find it.
By Jim Alan