Spells That Actually Work
Ancient Spell to Kill a Beast
- Get a spear.
- Aim the spear.
- Throw the spear.
- Repeat until the beast is dead.
Spell to Make Money
- Put on some tight attractive clothing.
- Go to a busy street corner.
- Dance as well as you can for passing cars and pedestrians.
Spell to Get Measles
- Find someone who has measles.
- Lick them.
Spell to Turn Day Into Night
- Stand facing a large tree or wall.
- Close eyes tightly.
- Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.
Spell to Turn Night Into Day
- Lay down when it is nighttime.
- Close your eyes.
- Wait 8 hours.
- Open your eyes.
Spell to Breathe Under-Water
- Attach concrete block to your feet.
- Jump into water.
- Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".
- Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.
Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants
- Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
- Repeat steps 1-2.
Spell to Attract Lightning
- Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts,
- Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
Spell to Stop a Runny Nose
- Get two cotton balls.
- Shove one up each nostril.
- Tape them there.
Spell to Make a Person Fall In Love With You
- Call person at least thirty times a day.
- Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
- Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e., roses without petals, a nice headless
Barbie doll, etc.).
- Follow them everywhere they go... careful, they'll try to lose you!
- Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the
spell is working!
Spell to Make a Person Fall Out of Love With You
- Forget getting a restraining order.
- Get a gun or other weapon of choice.
- Wound or maim person with weapon.
- Throw person in an area with lots of wild carnivores
Spell to Make Your Computer Fast
- Open a window.
- Defenestrate the computer.
- If the computer hits the ground really fast, the spell worked.
Alternate Spell to Make Your Computer Fast
- Turn on your computer
- Deny it food.
Spell to Save on Gas
- Cut holes in floorboards of car.
- Remove shoes.
- While still seated, pedal feet really, really fast.
- Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"
- (Optional) Invite passengers to join in the fun!
Spell to Go to the Bathroom
- Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
- Drink another glass anyway.
- Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of soda.
- Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell's effect.
Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom
- Eat a bushel of prunes.
- Take a dose of ExLax.
Spell to Make Something Disappear
- Open a window
- Grab the object you want to make disappear.
- Defenestrate the object.
- Close the window.
Spell for Reincarnating Yourself
- Acquire a pistol and ammunition.
- Load the pistol.
- Point the pistol at your head.
- Pull the trigger.
Spell to Make Yourself Fly
- Open a window
- Defenestrate yourself.
- Flap your arms vigorously and repeatedly say "I'm flying!"
- If you don't hit the ground, the spell worked.
Spell to Get Red Eyes
- Take a spray bottle of Windex™.
- Aim nozzle at eyes.
- Repeat 20 times.
Spell to Get a New Car
- Get off the computer.
- Go to a car dealership.
- Chose a care. Take a test drive. Repeat until a satisfactory choice is made.
- Make arrangements to trade in your old car for the new one chosen.
- Drive home and wait.
- When the new car arrives, go back to the dealer.
- Drive home.
Spell to Go Through A Wall
- Get a sledgehammer.
- Hit a wall continuously until a large enough hole appears.
- Go through the hole.
Spell to Change Your Eye Color
- Visit ophthalmologist.
- Get prescription for contact lenses.
- Fill prescription with colored contact lenses.
- Put in colored contact lenses.
Spell to Get People to Pay Attention to You
- Stand up.
- Jump up and down.
- Make noises.
- Repeat until people stare at you.
Spell to Prevent a Broken Window
- Throw a shot put through your window pane.
- It can never be broken again.
Spell to Make Someone Disappear #1
- Tell them to go away.
- Repeat until they leave.
Spell to Make Someone Disappear #2
- Go into another room.
- Shut the door.
- Wait until they leave.
Spell to Get a Full-time Job
- Find a police
- Commit a crime in front of them.
- Wait quietly until they arrest you.
- Plead guilty
to the crime in court.
- You will be taken to a big building and given a full-time job.
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