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The ritual feast is puréed.
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Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner
to celebrate.
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The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
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Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
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The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
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The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
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The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon
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When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
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It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
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The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
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You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
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You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through 5' of snow
uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
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You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
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At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do
in circle.
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You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember
why.
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You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors
noticed.
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You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
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All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
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Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
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A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
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No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
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You set comfy chairs around the circle.
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When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
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You do anointings with Aspercreme.
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The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
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You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you
need the fiber.
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You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away
from extra sodium.
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You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
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You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
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You need a flashlight to find the candles.