Signs That You May Be a Redneck Pagan
A test that never occurred to Jeff Foxworthy


Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the old ways spreading into every corner of America, can it be too long before every segment of American society is represented in the Pagan community? Will we someday see Redneck Pagans?

Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a Redneck Pagan...

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top...
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade...
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"...
...you may be a Redneck Pagan.

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"...
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...
...you may be a Redneck Pagan.

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest...
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
...you might just be a Redneck Pagan.

If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars...
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's...
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl...
...you just might be a Redneck Pagan.

If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's"...
...you just might be a Redneck Pagan.

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom...
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...
...you may be a Redneck Pagan.

If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500...
...you're probably a redneck Pagan!

If your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan,
Bbut if your covenstead's up on blocks, well...

If the Holy Wine comes in a mason jar...
If the cakes and ale are beer and pretzels...
Or if you hold Esbats at Billy Bobs Bar and Grille...
...you might be a Redneck Pagan

Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it...
If your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
...you're probably a redneck Pagan.

If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess...
Or if you have ever cast a love spell on livestock...
And if you bathe only eight times a year
... you might be a Redneck Pagan.

If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
If your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
If your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...
... there's a good chance you are a Redneck Pagan.

If you use orange extension cord to mark out you circle...
Or your God and Goddess symbols are a velvet painting of Elvis and a poster of Pamela Anderson...
Or your gun rack in the back window of your pick-up holds your ceremonial sword...
Ot your ceremonial cakes and wine is actually RC Cola and Moon Pies and especially if the RC Cola is served in a Hooter's coolie cup...
Or the tailgate of your pick up doubles as an altar..
And, above all else, you begin the Great Right by saying, "Y'ont too?"
...you are definitely a Redneck Pagan.


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Last Updated 19-Aug-2016   Sitemap

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