Puns

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it "the herd shot round the world".

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Mystic who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A peace corp representative goes to a cannibal camp. When the chief is asked later what was learned, the chief replied "We had a slight taste of democracy."

A frog walks into a bank and goes up to a teller named Patricia Wak. He says, "Hi, my name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to apply for a loan."

"Okay," Patricia says, "But you'll have to offer up some collateral."

The frog hands her a strange ceramic sculpture she can't identify. Patricia says, "I don't know if this will suffice. Let me ask my manager."

She tells the bank manager, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there, and he wants a loan, but all he has for collateral is this thing. What is this?"

The bank manager tells her, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Two fish walked in to a restaurant and asked the waiter, "What's the catch of the day?"

The waiter responded... "I'm sorry we don't serve Fish."

Q: What is baby and child ghosts favorite treat?
A: I scream!

Q: Why doesn't skeletons like spicy food?
A: They don't have the stomach for it.

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Quick stabbing pains:

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• Definition of a will: A dead give away.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A British bush pilot is flying on a job through the Australian outback when he encounters engine problems and is forced to make a crash landing. He survives, but is found unconscious and is taken to a local mission hospital which is run by the Sisters of Mercy. Upon awakening, he is greeted by the mother superior who advises him where he is and asks if there is anything he wants.

He replies, "I am a bit thirsty...could I have a cup of tea?" to which the mother superior says, "I'm terribly sorry, but our supply truck is late and we are out of regular tea. However, we do have a sort of native drink that is brewed from koala hides."

The pilot thinks awhile and replies, "Well, I just have to have my cuppa...you can bring me that, thanks."

The nun leaves and returns in a few minutes with a steaming cup. The pilot takes the cup gratefully, but upon taking a sip, instantly gags and spits it out. "This tea is filled with hair!", he exclaims disgustedly.

"Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry!" The nun replies, "I forgot to tell you: The koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

And finally, someone sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.