Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

If you got payed a nickel for every stupid idea you had, you'd be a millionare.

Just when I thought you couldn't say anything dumber, you keep talking!

I'd smack you in the head, but shit splatters!

That's so cute... you'd think I give a shit!

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Chaos, panic, and disorder: my work here is done.

Do I look like a people person?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

Actually, I don't have a personal savior, you deity-worshipping loser.

I thought this was a real ethical dilemma for a major corporate executive, so I called the folks at 60 Minutes for some advice.

What? Of course I don´t know what you are talking about, I only work here.

[Discordian] I am just a plain worker. If I knew what´s happening here this would be an administrative chaos.

Why can't we go back to the ways of old, when Caesar had a rival he just had them killed, he didn't have monthly bitch sessions called meetings?