One-Liners


This is a collection of short jokes, graphics, bumper stickers, and buttons which are not enough to dedicate individual pages to.



How to Stop Jehova's Witnesses from Knocking


I can't go to Hell. Satan still has that restraining order against me.




Zencrafters... Total Enlightenment In About One Hour


Do you know how crazy people get through the forest?
They take the psycho path!


"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." -- Douglas Adams


Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Today I learned why Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. They don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.


Why do Witches summon the four elements?

Because it takes too long to summon Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron...


Russell's Reflection (maxim): Reasoning with religious fundamentalists is like trying to dehydrate water. It's an extraordinarily difficult and dangerous task, yielding meager results.


Did you hear about the psychic in the car wreck?

She had an auto-body experience.


What do you say to an angry Witch?

Ribbit


What happens when a ceremonial magician gets mad?

He goes quaballistic.


Why did the blonde Pagan have a lasso?

She wanted to draw down the moon.


How do you know when a blonde Pagan has closed the circle?

There's white-out on the floor.


What do you call thirteen Witches in a hot tub?

A self-cleaning coven.


What's the best thing about having Pagan friends?

They worship the ground you walk on.


Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.


What is a witch's favorite snack?

Pan pizza.


What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Universalist-Unitarian?

Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.


Heck is a place for people who don't believe in gosh.


Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound... he shoots... he scores!


Jesus saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.


In case of rapture, can I have your car?


My karma ran over your dogma.


My goddess gave birth to your god.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


I have the body of a god: Buddha.


The goddess is alive and she ate my homework.


Jesus Saves!

The Goddess Invests!


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!


What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?

Someone who worships the tree that is not there.


What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?

Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.


What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?

Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.


Get a taste for religion: Lick a Witch!


"Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us."


What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?

Wicker


Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?

She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham? None."


What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?

About $500.00 a weekend.


Saint: A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives.


Dyslexics of the world Untie!


When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!


Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!


A sign with a dagger on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to pieces!"


Sign posted at an Artist Cooperative shop: "WARNING! Unattended children may be eaten by starving artists!"


If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?


Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.


Jesus is coming. Look Busy!


I'm doing my part to piss of the religious right.


Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year?

They found the body.


I'm Pro-choice and I shoot back.


93: Its not just a good idea, its the law.


Hail to the Sun god!
He's a real fun god!
Ra, Ra, Ra!


Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme?

He wanted to be one with everything.


It takes a Viking to raze a village.


KALI: A necessary evil


This is your brain


This is your brain on drugs


Any questions?


This is your brain


This is your brain on drugs


Any questions?


I can't wait for the rapture!
Then we'll have the world to ourselves again.


Ever wonder why god-centered religions make a woman responsible for messing up the world?


Resurection? Been there, done that.
Can you say "Isis and Osiris"?


Christianity has Pagan DNA!


Have you confused a Christian today?


The only problem with Baptists is...
They don't hold them under long enough!


A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.


Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile way and barefoot.


Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


Eat well.
Stay fit.
Die anyway.


Instructions for a blonde Viking:
"It's rape, pillage, and then burn.


Goddess grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.


Therapy is expensive.
Popping bubble-wrap is cheap.
You choose.


Beware of the Vampire Jesus! He gave his blood for you and wants it all back now.


Being a model means wearing clothes and not eating. I'd rather eat and not wear clothes.


Not in the mood for sex?
Point and laugh, it'll go away.


Love is the Law.
Lust is a subordinate clause.


It ain't bestiality if the sheep loves you!


If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.


Artificial Intelligence
is no match for
Natural Stupidity.


A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.


If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.


Well, at least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.


Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.


How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

Three, if you slice them very thinly.


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?


Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.


Biblical Quote:

A bribe works like magic. Whoever uses it will prosper!
-- The Living Bible, Proverbs 17:8


"Do you really believe that the sciences would ever have originated and grown if the way had not been prepared by magicians, alchemists, astrologers, and witches whose promises and pretensions first had to create a thirst, a hunger, a taste for hidden and forbidden?" -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche


Biblical Quote:

"... we like sheep" -- Isaiah 53:6



"When the shepherd is weak, the wolf shits wool."


Biblical Quote:

Also he made a molten sea of ten cubits from brim to brim, round in compass, and five cubits the height thereof; and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about. -- Kings 7:23

So, according to the Bible, the value of pi is exactly 3.0!


"White magic is poetry; black magic is anything that actually works." -- Victor Anderson


You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.


Have you ever noticed that people who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them?


If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.


No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.


The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.


A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'..."


Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.


I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.


The Bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.


I wish for a world of peace, harmony & nakedness.


"The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." -- Thomas Jefferson


What do you get when you cross an agnostic with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door, and when you open it, shrugs.


A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist."
"However," replied the universe, "that fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen Crane


A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing. -- Samuel Butler


Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not a sin, just stupid.) -- Lazarus Long


There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it? -- Lazarus Long


When the need arises - and it does - you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out - that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse. -- Lazarus Long


When in a gunfight, get a shot off fast! This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect. -- Lazarus Long


Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place. -- Lazarus Long


Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. -- George Bernard Shaw


Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. -- Lazarus Long


Anyone can claim they invented the Internet. Wanna impress me? Show me the person who invented the vibrator.



A limerick of classic proportion
Should have meter and rhyme and a portion
Of humor quite lewd
And a frightfully crude
Impossible sexual contortion.


But what do the gods use for condoms?


Clap one hand if you love Buddha!


Didja ever notice that "T.S. Eliot" is an anagram for "toilets"?


Masturbation: The art of coming unscrewed.


Ph'nglui mglw'nafh "BOB" D'lyeh* Wgah'nagl Dhobbz f'htagn.


Serenity through viciousness.


The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.


"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog


They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.


A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"

I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."


One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. Are they OK? Then it must be you.


... and the number 1 thing you don't want to hear your gynecologist say during an examination is:

"Assist me to erect the ancient temple."


Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a day. But light a man on fire and he'll stay warm the rest of his life.


The way to a man's heart is through his sternum.


Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. -- Joseph Stalin


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Life is a never-ending series of trials. The best we can do is wear a tie and hope the judge shows leniency. -- Nick Leggatt


As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."


Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?


What's the difference between a Witch and a Jehovah's Witness?

Three Watchtowers


You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa


To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.


Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.


Religion is for those that do not want to go to hell.  Spirituality is for those that have lived through it.


What do you get when your cross a Klansman with a Unitarian?

A white-robed redneck who will burn a question mark on your lawn.


I'm against the death penalty.
Look what happened to Jesus!


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.


What do you call an Scotsman with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.


What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?

Irish handcuffs.


Evolution: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.


Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.


There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse.


Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.


Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


Eschew obfuscation.


Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.


No, I didn't sell my soul to Satan, but we did work out a rent-to-own deal.


I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


A day without sunshine is like... night.


Yesterday I... no, wait, that wasn't me.


Why is it when we talk to God, it's praying, but when God talks to us it's schizophrenia?


I was up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


When will all the rhetorical questions end?


I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with pleasure.


I have animal magnetism... when I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes.


An erection is not considered personal growth.


Life: it's sexually transmitted and always fatal.


WWSD: What would Scooby Do?


People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.


I'm so homophobic I can't even touch myself.


I march to a different accordion.


Support bacteria: it's the only culture most people have.


What are the two best things about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs, and you're always meeting new people.


I once was obsessed with the notion that somewhere, somebody was having the exact same thought as me at the exact same time. I tried to call that person, but the line was busy.


I once shot a man in Nepal just to watch him reincarnate.


I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.


Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.


Witches are crafty people.


Witches don't fly off the handle.


Support your local undertaker - drop dead!


Save water - shower with a friend


Grow your own dope - plant a man!


I'm only wearing black until they make something darker.


God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.


I must be a mushroom - everybody keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullshit!


Life sucks. Death swallows.


Santa is jolly because he knows where the bad girls live.


Today's mighty oak was just yesterday's nut.


What's bloody and scratches at the window? A baby in a microwave.


If stupidity were bricks, you'd be a housing project.


Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.


Big Macs are the #1 cause of death for cows.


4 out of 5 dentists... leaves one dentist.


Some days I feel like a skid mark on the underwear of life.


"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."-- Albert Einstein


My IQ test came back negative.


I had anonymous phone sex last night... woke up with an ear infection.


A waist is a terrible thing to mind.


Reincarnation - been that, done there.


What's the speed of dark?


I tried flagellation, necrophilia and beastiality, but I was just beating a dead horse.


From the work of Steven Wright, who sees things differently than the rest of us...

  • I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
  • All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  • I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film

Jesus is coming!

Do you spit or swallow?



I'm not breaking the rules; I'm just testing their tensile strength.


If Jesus Christ died for my paultry sins, he over reacted.


To a person with a stone axe, everyone is a caveman.



I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!


Joseph and Mary in Bed

A handout picture released by the St Matthew-in-the-City Anglican church in Auckland shows an apparently naked Virgin Mary and Joseph in bed together. The billboard sparked the ire of conservative Christians in New Zealand.


An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


Pissing on a god


Ya'know the song, "We are a circle...within a circle.."? Doesn't that make us a doughnut?


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