"We have nothing to hide."
... the liberation I felt while sunbathing was an enlightening experiences that led me to stumble barefoot upon an ancient lost religion: Nuddhism.
Nuddhism was founded thousands of years ago by an enlightened being known affectionately to his followers as the Nuddha. The Nudda attained enlightenment while meditating under the Body Tree. He renounced his life as a pelt peddler in the garment district of Calcutta and entered religious life, whereupon he preached at many beaches, health spas, and private homes with high backyard fences. He was especially popular with the poor, since he did not solicit donations at his outdoor services. "He can't pocket your money", missionaries told proselytes.
The Nuddha is the patron saint of hot tubs, deserted swimming holes, and tanning salons. Some of the documented miracles attributed to the Nuddha include distracting police officers en route to certain Southern California beaches, making "Jacuzzi" a household word, and helping the backers of the musical Hair bring the show to Broadway.
Membership in the order is especially attractive, as the wardrobe budget is very low. There is virtually no hierarchy in the structure of the religion, since the priests cannot be distinguished from the parishioners. The generally free-thinking and non-judgmental attitude of the nuddhists was established at the inception of the faith when, in the original articles of the religion, the Nuddha declared that this kind of life would not be attractive to clothes-minded people.
Nuddhist practitioners gather together in the morning and meditate on soft blankets in an ancient practice known as "Zenbathing". Meditators are known for their ability to remain very still during their religious services until the moment a gong is sounded and the assembly rolls over in unison.
Recently there has been a revival of the ancient practices of Nuddhism. A large part of its new-found popularity can be attributed to footprints that have been discovered beneath the sands of the Riviera, where legend has it that the Nuddha walked and left his blessing thousands of years ago. He is reputed to have prophesied, "One day my people will walk topless in the sun." Sure enough, the footsteps of the Nuddha have been followed by millions who want to keep abreast of their religion.
The Nuddhists are now rallying together to support the repair of the ozone layer of the earth's atmosphere. They cite the sun as their friend for centuries, and they are not about to see the sun of God crucified by unconscious aerosol use. In a recent Eyewitness News interview investigating the Nuddhists' political action against aerosol manufacturers, Brown S. A. Berry, the Beachchairworman of the Naked-Not Faked party, cited the movement's inspiring slogan: "It's our can or yours!"
Living in an age of mega-mergers, the Nuddhists have formed partnerships with various other popular groups to inspire clothes-minded people to join their religion and support their cause. They have bought an interest in a pro football team and changed the name to the Chicago Bares; surreptitiously removed millions of jars of bikini wax from retail shelves; and produced thousands of subliminal cassette tapes seeded with the subconscious message, "Skin is in". When challenged by progarmentites about the religion's proselytizing activities, Ms Berry simply responded, "We have nothing to hide."
What about the future? The Nuddhists do have a book of rich prophesies. In the sacred Barefoot Bible it is foreseen that we are on the threshold of a Nude Age. One day, perhaps even in our lifetime, we will see the birth and dissemination of enlightening magazines such as Nude Age, Nude Realities, and Nude Frontier. A nude channeler, Bufftha, has explained that certain rudimentary forms of these magazines already exist.
If you would like to explore the practice of Nuddhism, the elders of the religion guarantee that you will see more than you are seeing in your current religion. They expect that you will enjoy the shorter services, since the passing of the offering plate has been entirely eliminated. And they promise you will find a whole new meaning in religion when you give your fellow parishioners the kiss of peace.