Masonic Santerian Druidry
The sacred rite is cementing chickens to trees.
They knock on your door for no particular reason.
They worship silently in tongues.
While not exactly a new religion, they are definitely noteworthy for the utter lack of hypocrisy
among its adherents.
Lends a whole new meaning to those fish
emblems on cars.
- PPP claims an absolute right to define the terms "pantheist", "party-pagans",
and exactly what is "sacred."
- The Triple Goddess is Lassie (Maiden), Caffiena (Mother), and the
Pope (Crone). (They conveniently overlook the fact
that the on-screen Lassie was a male, but they hold-out hope for the
Papacy. What good is a religion without hope?)
- The act imbibing Bombay Sapphire martinis with olives at 4:00pm
is The Holy Theophagic Rite.
- Sacramental use of double fudge brownies and mead is reserved to
the Inner Circle.
- Scourging is part of Sacred Practice, although the meaning and
form of participation in scourging is to be left up to each participant.
The Pinocchian Order
Frater Gepetto & Soror Blue Fairy, in cooperation with Frater
Jiminy Cricket, et al., are pleased to announce the following:
For today's forward-thinking occultist! For the new-millennium mage!
Yes, the Ancient & Arcane Pinocchian Order is seeking out a few
good seekers. Are you the type of seeker the Pinocchian Order is seeking?
Do you have what it takes to be a Pinocchian?
- If you were initiated by your dear old granny & Charles Seymour
when you were but a lad/lass of 6...
- If your tradition is seven days older than dirt...
- If you are the illegitimate great-grandchild of Aleister Crowley...
- If you were a dear close personal friend to every big-name magickal
worker now deceased, including those who died before you were born...
- If you have pursued the magick through more lodges than J. W. Brodie-Innes...
- If you are the one true & only source of Celtic Huna Asatru
Strega Shinto Lakota Faerie Santeria Wicca, which has been passed down
in your family since 1737 BCE...
- If Kisma Stepanich is your role model...
YOU might have what it takes to be a Pinocchian! The Ancient & Arcane
Pinocchian Order was founded on a basis of & stands boldly for deception,
delusion, distortion, error, evasion, exaggeration, fabrication, falsehood,
forgery, fraud, hallucination (both spontaneous & induced), inaccuracy,
malfeasance, misappropriation, misinformation, misrepresentation, plagiarism,
prevarication, theft and bald-faced lies by Frater Geppeto & Soror
Blue Fairy in 1999.
The Pinocchian Order bestows the Wooden Nose Award upon persons in
the magickal/pagan community who best exemplify true Pinocchian values.
Nominations for the Wooden Nose may be made to Soror
Blue Fairy. Please be sure to include the reason for the nomination
in 100 words or less.
© R. A. Vosburg & C. J. Swanson,
Blessed Order of Goddesses of United Sanctity (B.O.G.U.S)
for men and here
for women to get a certificate granting ordination and rights,
privileges and honors thereunto appertaining, including but not limited
to: Praying, Leading Prayers, Researching, Writing, Creating new cool
Churches, Denouncing, Teological Teaching, Predicting, Counseling,
and making big bucks.
Five Future Religions Waiting to Happen
Judging from the cultural collisions already in progress in pop music,
art, and politics, we're in for some strange mutations and hybrids in
the zone of religious beliefs and organizations. Here are five future
trends to watch for:
As mid-Amrica and its suburbs become increasingly multicultural,
Hispanic followers of Santeria and Voudoun are no longer found only
in the inner cities or places like New Orleans. Botanicas, those do-it-yourself
supply shops where followers of the saints can purchase Orisha effigies,
candles, herbs, John the Conqueror roots, and jinx removing powders,
begin to appear in suburban shopping malls alongside the Hallmark
card galleries. Before long the Anglophone middle class takes up this
folk religion and an enterprising team of MBAs founds a successful
chain of unthreatening and antiseptic botanicas called Mojo- Meister,
In a successful effort to integrate the rites of Santeria into preexisting
cultural forms, the suburban santeros sponsor voudoun aerobics classes
at local YMCAs where dozens of matrons in pure white tights and warm-up
sweats are "ridden by the gods" and develop buns of steel at the same
time. The messy sacrifice of doves or cocks to Eshu, the lord of the
crossroads, is replaced by the more palatable practice of tossing
a bucket of KFC Hot Wings out of car windows into the middle of freeway
Although the movement enjoys great popularity for a few years, rapid
decline sets in when the Mojo-Meister chain's top officers are indicted
in an insider stock selloff scandal. Many disillusioned believers
end up joining the Church of Unitology (see below) and drop out of
The Galactic Catholic Church of Ras Tafari
On an otherwise nondescript day, thousands of L.A. gang members
and roller-bladers gathered on the Venice, CA, boardwalk are unexpectedly
sprayed with a powerful hallucinogen by a disgruntled CIA employee
in an unmarked black helocopter. The woozy crowd is simultaneously
seized with the conviction that they are witnessing the second coming
of Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie, the Lion of Judah. This news
is confirmed by several channelers in Sedona, AZ.
The word spreads instantly via the Internet, provoking ecstatic
Rastafarians to storm and occupy the Vatican in an effort to win the
Pope to their cause. After two weeks holed up in a "smoke- filled
room" where he is forced to inhale giant spliffs and listen to piped-in
Peter Tosh singles, the pontiff emerges onto his balcony and announces
to the expectant throngs that "Jah works in marvelous ways." In an
unprecedented move, a shocked College of Cardinals ousts their toasted
leader. He relocates to Kingston, Jamaica, and founds the Galactic
Catholic Church of Ras Tafari.
The new church attracts many with its modified sacraments, especially
its "herb cakes" which are dispensed during the Mass. Unable to actually
produce the risen Haile Selassie, the church evolves a doctrine of "suspended
occlusion" which teaches that the Messiah has retreated from Venice
to a secret hideaway in Ethiopia and there awaits the right moment
to lead his followers out of Babylon. Decades later, the faithful
are still patiently hopeful.
The New Temple of Ishtar
Previously restricted to limited circles of feminists and neo-pagans,
Goddess worship goes mainstream under the auspices of the fast-growing
New Temple of Ishtar. First started by an idealistic sexworkers' support
group populated with former Rajneesh devotees, the NToI (pronounced "en-toy")
attracts large numbers of (primarily) men to its "sacred prostitute"-assisted
safe-sex worship services, where temple priestesses lap-dance and
disrobe in return for donations. Although initially plagued with vice-squad
busts around the country, the tide turns in the NToI's favor when
the Supreme Court rules that freedom of religion allows for "ritual
touch" between consenting adults within a religious service.
The NToI spreads by word of mouth and members initially meet subrosa
in topless bars and priestesses' living rooms, with some individual "counseling
sessions" in peepshow booths. However, the accelerating growth of
the NToI forces its congregations to seek larger meeting halls. In
many towns, vacant Masonic temples and Oddfellows' Halls are purchased
by the burgeoning cult and converted into modern-day Temples of Ishtar.
Public opinion is split over the NToI. A coalition of outraged Christian
conservatives and radical feminists pickets the church's temples,
charging that they are "dens of iniquity" and "travesties of women's
self-exploitation," respectively. Fervid believers counter that they
are merely invoking the spirit of Ishtar and healing their shattered
libidos. Within a short time, the sales of adult videos fall off drastically,
psychotherapists report a steep decline in the number of new clients,
and the divorce rate stabilizes for the first time in 40 years.
The NToI cinches its popularity through the innovative distribution
of free Nu-Isis brand condoms on street corners nationwide. The condoms'
foil-packs list local temple addresses along with worship schedules
for guest celebrity high priestesses. However this method of publicity
is later squelched when word spreads that NToI rubbers have replaced
PokZmon cards as the favorite collectibles among pre-adolescent boys.
The Church of Unitology
Upon the quiet and decidedly unmiraculous death of the Rev. Sun
Myung Moon, the Unification Church is thrown into disarray. A temporary
loss of direction is finally solved when the church leadership enters
into negotiations with the Church of Scientology leading to a successful
merger of the two religions. The new hybrid religion, under the name
of the Church of Unitology (tm), is unsurpassed for marketing and
legal savvy, resulting in a number of innovative accomplishments:
- A series of previously unpublished science fiction novels by
the late Rev. Moon are discovered. Upon their publication, they shoot
to the top of the bestsellers' list.
- Church of Unitology lawyers spearhead a legal challenge to the
IRS, eventually leading to its abolishment. A new federal sales tax
replaces the income tax.
- Wandering Church flowersellers diversify to offer on the spot
E-meter readings for the general public for a flat per- reading donation.
- Ditching the money-losing Washington Times, the Church launchs
its own 24-hour satellite and cable news channel to compete with
These and other successes propel the Church past the Mormons into
the top slot as fastest-growing church in the world.
During the extended period while Church leaders are bogged down
in amalgamating the complex cosmologies and theologies of the two
groups into one unified whole, members are urged to focus on clearing
their own personalities of unwanted toxins and doubts. This triggers
a grassroots effort, unhindered by specific dogmas, resulting in a
pure "belief in belief itself." This simple approach finds a ready
audience among members of twelve-step groups resulting in the friendly
absorption of A.A. into the Church. When last heard from, the Church
is negotiating with the U.N. to take over its global peace-keeping
The Fellowship of Gaia
Cross-fertilization between militant vegetarians, animal rights
activists, eco-warriors, and assorted naturists (of both pagan and
nudist varieties) lead to this highly ascetic sect of nature worshippers.
Loose and liberal in matters of religious belief, the FoG requires
strictly disciplined behavior from its initiates. Pets, meat, leathergoods,
electronic equipment, and automobiles are all taboo, while a thorough
program of "zero garbage" is enforced through total composting and
recycling. Reflecting its back to nature and minimalist philosophy,
the Fellowship's oft-chanted motto is "no shirts, no shoes, no service!"
New FoG members must all undertake vision quests in the wilderness
where they are expected to make psychic contact with both Gaia (the
planetary spirit) and an adopted tree (their individual power point).
While the Fellowship officially disavows violence or sabotage as methods
to defend Gaia, the group's decentralized structure of local cells
and members-at- large allows individuals and small groups to flout
official FoG policy regarding tactics.
The Fellowship gains its biggest slice of unwanted publicity when
a small FoG affinity group makes a botched attempt to free all captive
animals from the Kansas City SPCA. Trapped inside the building for
several weeks by BATF agents, the FoGies and all unplaced pets are
finally "put down" in order to avoid "further suffering." Later Congressional
hearings regarding the tragedy prove inconclusive.
Sacred Light Order of Bagpuss (SLOB)
Those following this belief system shall only wear the sacred colours
of pink & cream. This is mandatory, otherwise you're just not "committed" enough.
The 7 principles of SLOB are:
- To seek out sunlight
- To laze
- To dream
- To sleep
- To yawn very loudly
- To eat... lots
- To only have stuffed friend .
The main principle of this order is to seek out lost items & restore
them to their former glory. Once completed, the ritual of glorious completion
shall be performed in a light & quiet area. This ritual involves sleeping.
Upon entering the dream state, satisfaction can be obtained by the most
humblest of enlightened ones, He who is the most glorious of cats, Bagpuss.
Only if your task is completed & you commit yourself to this system,
will the enlightened & glorious one appear to you.