Martha Stewart's Pagan Yule


December 1: Bury turkey carcass from Thanksgiving under the Holy tree to thank the tree for the six bushels pruned to decorate the halls with. Draw pentagram in the dirt with silver dust to prevent pet She- Wolf from digging up the bones.

December 2: Order 20 cases of Irish whiskey to be left for the Good Folk on Yule. Re-bury turkey carcass, re-do pentagram in gold dust.

December 3: Draw pentagram on each sheet of toilet paper using silver marker for that festive holiday touch. Have staff re-roll the paper onto Victorian "crackers" for that surprise element. Re-bury carcass, consecrate concrete block, spray paint with gold and use as planter for poinsettia. Place over carcass.

December 4: Take She-Wolf to vet for eating poinsettia. Send out telepathic party invitations to 200 witches, shaman, and druids for Yule party.

December 5: Ex-mother in law's birthday. Send Victoria Secret's nightgown rubbed with stinging nettle. Begin receiving telepathic RSVP's for Yule party.

December 6: Hand dip 365 gold candles for Yule party. Consecrate using Sacred Lady Martha of the Steward Clan Yule Oil at a K-Mart near YOU! Have staff clean up the mess. Pick Up She-Wolf at vets.

December 7: Harvest herbs for the garden and and crochet 200 herb pillows for guests. Stuff with the microwaved dried herbs.

December 8: Have the staff get their arms tattooed with suns now so there will be time for the redness to disappear in time for the party. Have staff decorate the Yule Tree.

December 9: Repaint Nativity Scene so figures represent Isis, Osiris, and Horus. Re-bury turkey. Take She-wolf to the pound. Buy new wolf pup. Hire dog trainer.

December 10-11: Fly to Europe to grub for truffles. Pick up whiskey at the Irish distillery on the way back.

December 12: Use Dermel tool to carve chalices out of quartz crystal balls for the party. Roll the hand dipped candles in the crystal dust to make them sparkle.

December 13: Coven meeting! Get symbolically pregnant by the HP during symbolic Great Rite ritual. Give hand forged athames as gifts to coven members.

December 14: Get six foot Yule Log from the local land co-op. Decorate with holly, ivy and hand dipped candles rolled in the crystal dust.

December 15: See herbalist for private itching that has been going on since last coven meeting. Burn all undergarments. Have factory send new ones in red and green.

December 16: Daughter home from college. Send her to herbalist, too. Invite local fauna to graze on the front lawn for decoration and hang wreaths over their necks.

December 17: Climb great oak and cut mistletoe using golden sickle. Leave hand cast silver coins at base in thanks. Burn sage now to cleanse house so the smell will be gone in time for the party. Pick up golden robe at dry cleaners and pack in lavender.

December 18: Appear on Oprah to show my support for her coming out of the broom closet. Bake chocolate moon pies with banana cream filling, symbolic of the return of the sun. Bake "stained glass" Pentacle cookies.

December 19: Bake brownies laced with valerian and give to fundamentalist neighbor. Butcher, gut and pluck 150 pheasants from the backyard coop and marinate in consecrated wine. Harvest wild rice from the patty out back.

December 20: Yule party. Carve sliced carrot to resemble miniature suns. Put red dye in the men's toilet tanks, green in the women's toilet tanks. Have staff do the cooking while I dress in my ceremonial robe. When guests and TV crew arrive, assume meditative pose.

December 21: dawn - give birth to symbolic sun god on the dining room table as the guests and TV crew look on. After guest leave, collect empty whiskey bottles drunk by the Good Folk and recycle. Take a nap and dream of what I'll do for Imbolg.

-- Submitted by clazzle333@hotmail.com


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