Martha Stewart's Necromancy

Frankenstein with Martha Stewart's Brain

Today on Martha Stewart's Necromancy, we'll be comparing zombies and skeletons: Which is better? Plus, we'll have a special segment on how to get rid of the odor of decaying flesh.

First up, we'll examine the household use of zombies and animated skeletons.

Zombies are the traditional staple undead servant, considering their bodies are in at least moderate shape within the first year of death. However, brawn isn't everything when it come to household chores.

Zombies are almost useless for household cleaning. In addition to being sluggish workers, grave dirt and rotting flesh defeats the purpose of cleaning, and the flies they bring with them are a real nuisance.

By the same token, they make unsanitary cooks, and the ones which have had time to dry, such as mummies, run the risk of catching fire if they are to close to the stove.

What I have found to work best is to keep the zombies working in the garden. The smell blends with that of the compost heap, and their rotting remains help act as fertilizer. The vigorous work of gardening and farming also helps them work the rotting flesh off so they become the more useful skeletons, and the local birds will keep busy picking maggots of the zombie, rather than the seeds in your garden.

I consider skeletons to be the true workhorse of necromancy. Most corpses of ten years or more will rise as skeletons that simply need to be hosed off, then polished till they are pearly white. I recommend a good scrubbing with soap to get the residual flesh and grave dirt off, then a rinse and scrub with bleach to get those whites their whitest. If you can manage it, lamination will save a great deal of cleaning time, especially if they get near the fireplace.

I commonly use my skeletons for most household chores. Their speed makes them ideal for dusting and vacuuming, which requires little strength. They also make superior waiters, coat-clerks, and cooks. A skeleton looks quite dashing in a tuxedo, and engraving upon the bone add a great deal of character. A little water-based paint can give them a festive air as well: a little orange and black and it has a pumpkin head, and kids love painting Easter-skulls.

Skeletons are also more convenient than zombies in that they take up less room. You can simply fold them down into a medium size box for moving or storage. Please, however, do not keep them in your closet. They take up valuable closet space, and the cliches it creates will prove to be a sour note at any get-together.

If you keep dogs as pets, I recommend teaching the dog as a pup not to chew bones.

For those of you who have been struggling with removing zombie-stink from your car or home, I recommend gently rubbing the contact area with water, sprinkling it with baking soda, and wiping it clean. If it is in a car, or any area that receives a lot of heat, it is best to take it to a professional.

Please join us next time, when our topics include:

  • Ghostly servants or e-mail: Which is more convenient? 
  • Vampires: Are they sucking you dry? 
  • The local community: Friends and neighbors, or corpse supply?

Thanks, and please tune in next time.

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Last Updated 19-Aug-2016   Sitemap

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