Lesser Known Gods And Goddess Of Greece


Listed below are a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demi-gods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god- or goddesshood. This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to someone somewhere, sometime.

Arabinose - one of the Sugar Gods. Brother of Fructose and Glucose. These three together were known as the gods of dessert [not to be confused with their father, Pancreas, the Demi-god of Dessert - see below]. Singly, but more often in threes, these largely overweight gods waddled through the countryside helping themselves to baklava, and other sweet Greek pastries; often to the surprise and dismay of the citizens of the unfortunate towns and small villages they encountered.

Areola - Goddess of Sexual Permission. A little-known goddess, Areola established the rites of permissions in sexual relationships. Areola believed that while involved in tactile probing, permission could be attained in sexual relationships after certain body language movements could be deciphered by each party. Unfortunately (and this is why Areola is a lesser goddess), no one fully understood the body language that was the foundation upon which Areola based her sexual permissions. In fact, often times, arguments and broken relationships occurred after mistaken interpretations of certain body language. Areola was quickly replaced by the god Verbal, who fared somewhat better in this regard, but still not to the satisfaction of many couples.

Aroma- Demi-god of Aftershave. Aroma never attained real god status and was a mere mortal. Apparently, or so the story goes, Aroma caused much irritation among the other gods because of the heavy amounts of pungent aftershave he wore each day around Mount Olympus. His smell caused so much consternation among the other Greek gods that he was soon shunned to Isle de Brut, off the coast of France, where he was left to die. However, he soon was able to fashion a raft out of used aftershave bottles and floated to Germany and eventually made his way to Cologne, where he lived out the remainder of his mortal life.

Chlorox - Demi-god of Laundry. Chlorox was at one time a highly exalted god on Mount Olympus. His hand-washing methods were unparalleled and he was admired by all who employed his talents as the God of Laundry. He was doing great, well... that is, until the god Maytag appeared. Maytag immediately challenged Chlorox to a duel. They were both to take on the underwear laundry of Zeus. Chlorox used a bleaching action; Maytag used some new fangled machine action. It was doom for Chlorox. Not only did Chlorox lose to Maytag, but the bleach caused some problems with some of Zeus's colored bikini briefs. As a result, Chlorox was relegated to be sold on supermarket shelves for eternity, while Maytag was rewarded by Zeus with never having to worry about repair problems.

Corolla - God of Compacts. Corolla was far ahead of his time, but never made it big with the major Olympian goddesses due to his small size. They all wanted a full-size god and Corolla could never match up. The Greek goddesses always compared him (unfairly) with the Amer-Indian gods, Buick and Cadillac. He maintained that he could far outlast Buick or Cadillac in any competition that dealt with endurance, but the goddesses didn't care. They were more interested in size than quality. Corolla eventually left Mount Olympus and travelled to the Far East, where he ended up in Japan. At least there, size did not matter.

Diabetes - Goddess of Ice Cream. Mother of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Diabetes hardly worked, and was often seen either sleeping or eating sweets of all kinds.

Diarrhea - Goddess of Bad Water. Daughter of Peristalsis, q.v. She never married, or really did much of anything. Her pitiful eternal life was spent in the bathroom.

Dyslexia - Goddess of Speling. Unfortunately, Dyslexia failed as a goddess. Upon gaining goddesshood, Dyslexia was asked by Zeus to choose a subject for which she could be revered by Greeks for all time. She chose spelling, but had a terrible time accomplishing much in that endeavor. Though she was the Goddess of Speling for only a very brief period, she was in that position of authority long enough to have forever established certain conventions that have endured for eons. Some of these include establishing the Greek alphabet which, like Cyrillic, is totally undecipherable to most mortals. She is also known for coining the phrase "It's Greek to me" when asked by the other gods and goddesses what a particular word meant that she created.

Egregious - God of Errors. Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess, Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of the better-known gods. When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I've made so MANY mistakes, I've become a genius!"

Melanoma - God of Tanning. Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other major gods of his time. He was strong, handsome, and had a body that attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet. The two of them constantly played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non-Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn't seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick, but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end.

Ozone - God of Memory. Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus. Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded "Inversion Layer" along with the evil nether-world dragon-god of progress and technology, Smog.

Pancreas - Demi-god of Dessert. Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Pancreas was a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons.

Peristalsis - God of Bowel Movements. Revered for his strength and perserverance, Peristalsis occupied a special place in the bathrooms of old Greece. Figurines in his likeness stood next to or near the place of anal evacuation. A special prayer to Peristalsis often accompanied a trip to the bathroom in some of the better bathrooms of high-society Greeks.

Uvula - Goddess of Swallowing. Uvula was an often unappreciated goddess who spent most of her time at the back of the room of all the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus. Only when she cleared her throat did anyone bother to pay any attention to her. She originally came from Rome and was accepted into the Greek goddess system, but only because of the promise she showed. She was reported to spend some time with the god Fellatio (a part-Italian god) who promised to show her something she could do that would make her one of the most revered goddesses of all of Mount Olympus (at least by the gods there). They were to meet one hot and steamy night under an olive tree where Fellatio would show her what she could do. Unfortunately, Fellatio never came.

Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry. Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum, Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap prices.


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Last Updated 24-Aug-2013   Sitemap

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