The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle andface east. You are ready to begin:

1. With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, "Microwave dinners, be gone!"

2. Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "TV dinners, be gone!"

3. Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "Ramen instant noodles, be gone!"

4. Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, "Mystery meat in a can, be gone!"

5. Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following:

   Before me, Martha Stewart.
   Behind me, Julia Child.
   To my right side, Jacques Pépin.
   To my left side, Emeril Lagosse.

6. Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, "For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal."

7. Clap your hands three times and say, "Its a good thing."

The rite is over.

If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP.