Jewish Humor

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is controversy about the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: What's the name of the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man called his mother in Florida and said, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: You tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

New Delhi, India - Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned. Instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of over a billion people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.

A popular young rabbi, on Sabbath eve, announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush.

The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the rabbi!'"