Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that should
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly
will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why
we ask you to: Please, for God's sake, read this owner's manual carefully
before you unpack the device...
You already unpacked it, didn't you? You unpacked it and plugged it in
and turned it on and fiddle with the knobs, didn't you? And now your child,
the same one who once shoved a Polish Sausage into your Video Cassette Recorder
and set it to 'Fast Forward' is also fiddling with the knobs, right?
Hell, we might as well just break these damn things before we ship them
out, you know that? Sorry! We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in Iced Tea for six days. So, in writing
these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled
with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?
Now let's talk about:
Unpacking The Device
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. Please inspect
the contents carefully for evidence of spear jabs or bottle caps, pull
tabs, candy wrappers and Lord knows what else. WARNING: Do not ever, as
long as you live, throw away the box or any of the pieces of Styrofoam,
especially the ones shaped like peanuts. If you attempt to return the device
to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel
will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after
he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain:
Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say 'WARNING'
A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
Two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns
You will need to supply:
If anything is damaged or missing: You immediately should turn to your
spouse and say 'Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a
major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why.' WARNING:
This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret, and not something else.
Plugging In The Device
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the plug where one prong
is bigger than the other.
Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new plug whose prongs
consist of six small religious figurines made of chocolate. Adapters are
sold separately and require 16 weeks for delivery. Please call 1-900-YOU-FOOL
for current pricing. (You must be 18 or older to call; $17.95/minute. Average
call duration: 3 hours)
Do not try to plug it in! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet,
but out of direct sunlight, and clean it first with a damp handkerchief.
Then, give us a call.
Operation Of The Device
WARNING: We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual
working parts are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated
by Mrs. Shirley Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually
been to Japan (or anywhere else for that matter), but has a second cousin
who once was.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, we advising that: NEVER
to hold these buttons two times! Except the battery. Next taking the (something)
earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble,
such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint
from Drawing B.
Be it hereby known that this device, together with (but not excluding)all
those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects,
failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and next Thursday
afternoon and shall be repaired/replaced at no cost to the owner. After
that time, a slight service and shipping charge shall apply. Information
on this extended warranty is available from Mr. Lance Haskill of the Last
National Bank's Third Mortgage Department in Last Gasp, Wyoming.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
-- by Dave Barry