Aries: Smile and nod vacantly. Never express an opinion, preference or idea. When they ask you questions about yourself, DO NOT give a substantial answer. Your interests? "Oh…you know…stuff." Your music "Oh…you know…everything." Throw yourself at them, agree with everything they say, immediately forfeit all arguments. Be a doormat, and thank them for allowing you to be one.
Taurus: Argue with them over the dumbest possible things and refuse, at all costs, to back down. Insult their taste in everything, particularly the things of which they are most proud. Steal their money and spend all of it on gaudy, plastic "bling." Insist you can't tell the difference, and you look hot. Tell them that loyalty is "SO 20th century" and no one believes in that sh*t anymore.
Gemini: Fiercely demand punctuality and consistency of thought. Get angry when they bring up new ideas (make frequent use of the phrase "We weren't talking about that!"). Be closed-minded to the extreme (bonus points if you couple this with emotional neediness). If this fails, gather the most interesting people you know for a night of stimulating conversation…and duct tape their mouth shut.
Cancer: Tease and/or yell at them for being oversensitive until they cry - then tease them for crying. On the off chance that they trust you enough to open up about a problem, respond with "That's pathetic. MAN UP, NANCY!" Maliciously insult their mother and loved ones. Explain that you don't believe in "families." Nurturing is for the weak.
Leo: Leo who? Oh, I'm sorry…I didn't notice you.
Virgo: Neglect personal hygiene until you're pretty much a walking biohazard…then try to be affectionate. Really affectionate. Go onto their computer when they're not looking and rearrange all of their files, deleting and adding some at random. Swear it wasn't you, and fail to understand why they even care.
Libra: Pick fights at night, and make sure you go to bed angry. Strive to create as much tension as possible in social situations (bonus points if you can involve them in it directly). Have unbelievably bipolar behavioral tendencies. Once they've found the balance and adjusted to dealing with you…change completely. Lavish gifts and comforts on everyone but them.
Scorpio: Be entirely one dimensional and make it clear that analysis of any kind bores you to death. Only pathetic, tortured weenies look for meaning. Introspection is "dumb." Insist that you know EXACTLY how they feel at all times while giving the most simplistic, surface judgment possible. Extra tip: when they're in a foul mood, console them with the most irritating clichés you can dredge up ("When life gives you lemons…").
Sagittarius: Be clingy, needy, accusatory and miserable. Never, ever laugh. Be perpetually offended by someone or something, particularly if it's harmless. Lock yourself in your room because the world has absolutely nothing interesting to offer. If they ask you to do something enjoyable, reply with "What's the point? We're all just gonna die anyway."
Capricorn: Create a lewd, obnoxious scene in front of their family, boss and co-workers (bonus points if it is somehow emotional in nature, MORE points if you get them fired). Make sure he or she actually loses the respect of others for hanging out with you. And whatever you do…don't make sense. Ever. Demonstrate a complete disregard for the logical laws of cause and effect ("Yeah, I was really thirsty - so I mowed the lawn").
Aquarius: Immediately discuss your emotional needs and biological clock. Ask them to marry you on a first date. When they refuse, flag down the waiter and (sobbing unabashedly) complain about how jealous you are that your insensitive Aquarian cares about everything in the world but you. You don't talk about ideas or concepts…you talk about feelings.
Pisces: Habitually dropkick small animals. Despise art, spirituality and symbolism, in all forms. Swear that creativity is poisoning an otherwise smoothly functioning society. Deny the existence of the soul (bonus points if you somehow tie this into the nonexistence of true love). When they express something deep, reply "people who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch."