Once it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This
is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to
be accepted in the metaphysical social set, one must have an interest
in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to
a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into
being accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and
dressing accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being
a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all
times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as
this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark
eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals
and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are
as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing
a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger
the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how
much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial
apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft
(and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows
the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's
with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called
this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based
on facts). Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the
way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote
his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded
with smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone
about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying
the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a
Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime
as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,
Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted
to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour.
Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by
others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling
at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for
them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you
can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots
of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying
ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this
the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the
occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas -
when people find out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume
(and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty
good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become
even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited
power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers...
they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the
gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that
have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest
doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but
you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment -
you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe
suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery,
then if that doesn't work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your
Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors
see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner
of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start
collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your
imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried
dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that
the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise
the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells,
thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't
forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians,
but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you
don't get along with.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch
will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers
awakened and their Tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now
much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They
will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words,
they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example
and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your
initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you
were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning
your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that
a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick
in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke);
pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look
- and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully,
you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start
your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!