How Not To Get Invited Back To Church


  1. During Communion, when handed a wafer, declare loudly: "No thanks, I'm a pagan."

  2. During Communion, when handed a wafer or wine, libate.

  3. During Communion, when handed a wafer, break off a piece and pass it to the person on you left, saying "May you never hunger."

  4. During Communion, when offered wine, pull out your athame and perform the symbolic Great Rite.

  5. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.

  6. After eating the wafer and drinking the wine, emit a LOUD burp and sigh. 

  7. Vomit. (Sickly green color gets you extra points, even more if you hit the minister.)

  8. When the minister invites the congregation to pray, pull out a drum and start chanting.

  9. Make change from the collection plate.

  10. During the sermon, keep raising your hand.

  11. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Bastard".

  12. Get "the spirit". (This works best in Catholic or Southern Baptist venues)

  13. While the rest of the congregation is singing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" try to start rounds of "Row, Row, Row your Boat".

  14. Ask to sing in the choir. Pick your nose the entire time.

  15. Same as #14, but spontaneously sing The Vatican Rag.

  16. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud.

  17. Same as #16, but add Silly Putty.

  18. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.

  19. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap)

  20. Fart. Loudly. Blame it on the little blue-haired lady sitting in front of you. Repeat often.

  21. Offer to do Tarot readings during Sunday School for the people at church. (Extra points if you actually do it for the priest/minister/religious leader.)

  22. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside.

  23. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!"

  24. Bring pets.

  25. Pretend you don't speak English (or whatever language is predominant)

  26. Think ballpark. Think food vendor. Become an entrepreneur.

  27. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball.

  28. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times)

  29. Bring your own incense.

  30. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.

  31. Attend services in drag.

  32. Keep asking, "Where do the goats get sacrificed?"

  33. Ask the minister, "But do you think God really satisfied Mary?"

  34. Announce loudly that in case of Rapture, you want the Pope's hat.

  35. Confuse Church's Chicken with Church, or combine the two.

  36. Sing along with all the hymns in a snappy, Las Vegas style.

  37. Sing "The Christians and the Pagans" during Christmas celebrations.

  38. Sing "What if God Smoked Cannabis" during other services.

  39. Sing any of the songs posted on Turok's Cabana or Turok's Bordello during a service.

  40. Start "preaching" about how everyone should convert and worship your patron/ess deity.

  41. Two words: Super Soaker

  42. One word: Skyclad

  43. Four words: Skyclad with Super Soaker


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Last Updated 19-Aug-2016   Sitemap

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