The Gods' Questionnaire


The Gods would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, They ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about your deity?

     Newspaper
     Bible
     Torah
     Television
     Book of Mormon
     Divine Inspiration
     Dead Sea Scrolls
     My Mama Done Tol' Me
     Near Death Experience
     Near Life Experience
     National Public Radio
     Tabloid
     Burning Shrubbery
     Facebook
     Other
    (specify): 

  2. Which model deity did you acquire?

     Yahweh
     Father, Son & Holy Ghost
     Jehovah
     Satan
     Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
     God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
     God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
     None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
    (specify): 

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

     Yes     No

    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
    Please indicate all that apply:

     Not eternal
     Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
     Not omniscient
     Not omnipotent
     Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
     Permits sex outside of marriage
     Prohibits sex outside of marriage
     Makes mistakes
     Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
     Looks after life other than that on Earth
     When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
     Requires burnt offerings
     Requires virgin sacrifices
     Other
    (specify): 

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire your particular deity?
    Please check all that apply.

     Indoctrinated by parents
     Needed a reason to live
     Indoctrinated by society
     Needed focus in whom to despise
     Imaginary friend grew up
     Hate to think for myself
     Wanted to think for myself
     Wanted to meet girls/boys
     Fear of death
     Wanted to piss off parents
     Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
     Needed a day away from work
     Desperate need for certainty
     Liked the holidays
     Like Organ/Celtic Music
     Need to feel Morally Superior
     Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
     Thought Jerry Falwell wasn't cool
     Shit was falling out of the sky
     My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
     Other
    (specify): 

  5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?

     Yes     No

    If so, which one?
    Please check all that apply.

     Mick Jagger
     Cthulhu
     Triple Goddess
     Baal
     The Almighty Dollar
     Bill Gates
     Steve Jobs
     Left Wing Liberalism
     Guinness
     The Radical Right
     Ra
     Beelzebub
     Barney T.B.P.D.
     The Great Spirit
     The Great Pumpkin
     The Sun
     Elvis
     Tinkerbell
     The Moon
     A burning shrubbery
     Other
    (specify): 

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your deity?

     Yes     No

    Please check all that apply.

     Tarot
     Lottery
     Astrology
     Television
     Fortune cookies
     Psychic Friends Network
     Dianetics
     Palmistry
     Playboy and/or Playgirl
     Self-help books
     Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
     Biorhythms
     Alcohol
     Tea Leaves
     The voices
     Twitter
     Mantras
     Fox News
     Crystals
     Human Sacrifice
     Pyramids
     Wandering around a desert
     Insurance policies
     Burning Shrubbery
     Xena Warrior Princess reruns
     Other
    (specify): 

  7. The Gods employ a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

    Which would you prefer (choose one)?

     More Divine Intervention
     Less Divine Intervention
     Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
     Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

  8. The Gods also attempt to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

    Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 the current handling of the following:
    (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

    Disasters

    1

    2

    3

    4

    5

    Flood
    Famine
    Earthquake
    War
    Pestilence
    Plague
    SPAM
    Spell checker
    Government
    Miracles

    1

    2

    3

    4

    5

    Spontaneous remissions
    Stars hovering over
    jerkwater towns
    Crying/bleeding statues
    Water changing to wine
    Appliances that set
    their own clocks
    Winning the Lottery
    Men who truly
    understand women
  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of the Gods services?

Name:  (optional)
E-Mail:  (optional)

   

If you complete the questionnaire by August 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (Chances of winning are approximately 1:6.023x1023 depending on number of beings entered.)


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Last Updated 19-Aug-2016   Sitemap

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