The Gods' Questionnaire

How did you find out about your deity?

 Newspaper
 Bible
 Torah
 Television
 Book of Mormon
 Divine Inspiration
 Dead Sea Scrolls
 My Mama Done Tol' Me
 Near Death Experience
 Near Life Experience
 National Public Radio
 Tabloid
 Burning Shrubbery
 Other
(specify): 

Which model deity did you acquire?

 Yahweh
 Father, Son & Holy Ghost
 Jehovah
 Satan
 Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
 God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
 God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
 None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
(specify): 

 Yes     No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

 Not eternal
 Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
 Not omniscient
 Not omnipotent
 Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
 Permits sex outside of marriage
 Prohibits sex outside of marriage
 Makes mistakes
 Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
 Looks after life other than that on Earth
 When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
 Requires burnt offerings
 Requires virgin sacrifices
 Other
(specify): 

What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire your particular deity?
Please check all that apply.

 Indoctrinated by parents
 Needed a reason to live
 Indoctrinated by society
 Needed focus in whom to despise
 Imaginary friend grew up
 Hate to think for myself
 Wanted to think for myself
 Wanted to meet girls/boys
 Fear of death
 Wanted to piss off parents
 Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
 Needed a day away from work
 Desperate need for certainty
 Liked the holidays
 Like Organ/Celtic Music
 Need to feel Morally Superior
 Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
 Thought Jerry Falwell wasn't cool
 Shit was falling out of the sky
 My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
 Other
(specify): 

Have you ever worshipped a deity before?

 Yes     No

If so, which one?
Please check all that apply.

 Mick Jagger
 Cthulhu
 Triple Goddess
 Baal
 The Almighty Dollar
 Bill Gates
 Steve Jobs
 Left Wing Liberalism
 Guinness
 The Radical Right
 Ra
 Beelzebub
 Barney T.B.P.D.
 The Great Spirit
 The Great Pumpkin
 The Sun
 Elvis
 Cindy Crawford
 The Moon
 A burning shrubbery
 Other
(specify): 

Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your deity?

 Yes     No

Please check all that apply.

 Tarot
 Lottery
 Astrology
 Television
 Fortune cookies
 Psychic Friends Network
 Dianetics
 Palmistry
 Playboy and/or Playgirl
 Self-help books
 Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
 Biorhythms
 Alcohol
 Tea Leaves
 The voices
 Twitter
 Mantras
 Fox News
 Crystals
 Human Sacrifice
 Pyramids
 Wandering around a desert
 Insurance policies
 Burning Shrubbery
 Xena Warrior Princess reruns
 Other
(specify): 

The Gods employ a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

Which would you prefer (choose one)?

 More Divine Intervention
 Less Divine Intervention
 Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
 Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

The Gods also attempt to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 the current handling of the following:
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of the Gods services?