Dysfunctional Greeting Cards

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
[Inside card] I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
[Inside card] I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
[Inside card] That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
[Inside card] Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry...
[Inside card] Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
[Inside card] Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
[Inside card] Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time...
[Inside card] What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
[Inside card] It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
[Inside card] Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
[Inside card] I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas

Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
[Inside card] - What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!...
[Inside card] Too bad no one likes your husband.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire...
[Inside card] I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it...
[Inside card] She moved in with me.

How could two people as beautiful as you ...
[Inside card] Have such an ugly baby?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
[Inside card] So we're having you put to sleep.

I know you hate me.
[Inside card] I hate you more and I have a reason.

Happy Birthday, Son.
[Inside card] We think you are old enough now to get a job and move out.