These letters are what could happen if Santa asked Dr. Laura to help
answer the mail.
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,
I really really want a fire truck this year!
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you
some nice Legos instead.
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards
than me. Please see what you can do.
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds
of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats
are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed,
like "Chutes and Ladders."
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap won't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.