Circle Setup
- Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire
pit.
- At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the
worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates).
- At the north place an ashtray filled with sand.
- Near the altar place a spittoon (optional).
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Altar Setup
- Bill the Cat icon, statue or image
- Cigarettes and lighter
- Lit candles
- Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt
cola, Pepsi Free, or purple flavorored anything, or diet chocolate
fudge soda
- Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter (optional)
- Brazier with charcoal
- Catnip (for incense)
- Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl
- Kitty Litter or Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer
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| HP |
Folks, this is a ritual which is offensive.
If you are easily offended, then leave now. If you are certain that
you will be offended by it then you really need this ritual. If,
however, at the end of the ritual you aren't sufficiently offended,
come up and see me and I'll offend you personally. |
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Gather coveners together and teach
them this chant: Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb. |
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Repeat as a group until you get tired
of it. |
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Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal. |
|
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Cast Circle |
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The HP takes a can of Pet Fresh Carpet
Deodorizer, and walk around the perimeter of the circle spaying
Pet Fresh. If outside, throw kitty litter. |
| HP |
We are gathered in a sandbox that is not
a sandbox. |
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Repeat as necessary. |
|
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Call the Quarters |
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The HPS takes the cigarettes and lighter
from altar |
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Walk to the south. Light cigarette.
Wave cigarette at the south. |
| HPS |
Hi! |
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Cross from south to east. Take deep
puff from cigarette and blow smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette
at the east. |
| HPS |
Hi! |
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Cross from east to west. Pour beer
on cigarette. Wave cigarette at the west. |
| HPS |
Hi! |
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Cross from west to north and stub cigarette
in ashtray. Wave cigarette at the north. |
| HPS |
Hi! |
|
|
Invoke Bill
the Cat |
|
The HPS stands before Bill the Cat
icon and holds hands out in invoking manner. |
| HPS |
I invoke you and call upon you, O Might
Ruler of Degeneracy, Bringer of Fun and Good Times! I invoke thee
by Pun and Limerick, Cartoon and Quip, by Herb and Brew and All Other
Manner of Consciousness-Changing Substances, to Descend into this
Figure of This thy Servant and Priest: Hallucinate with His Eyes
- Lick with His Tongue, Ingest with His Mouth - Grope with His Paws
so that thy Servants may be Fulfilled." |
|
Pour some beer or other noxious substance
over Bill's head as an anointing (if indoors, and you object to
kitty litter and beer being poured all over your carpets, use Pet
Fresh instead of litter and put the beer in a bowl into which you
dip your fingers and lightly sprinkle the icon or petitioners).
Walk to the center of the circle, raise arms, and call ... |
| HPS |
Here kitty, kitty, kitty! |
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Repeat as needed. |
|
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Statement of
Purpose |
| HP |
We are here to night to initiate new friends
into the worship of Bill the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners,
step forward. |
|
Wait for them to do so. |
| HP |
Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill
the Cat? |
| Petitioners |
Yeah, Sure, why Not?, ..., What?,
etc. |
|
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Oath Taking |
| HP |
Repeat after me |
| HP and Petitioners |
I, (state your name), of my won free will
and accord, do hereby swear to honor the discordian deity, Bill the
Cat, Lord of Humor, Perversity and Disgusting Noises. I promise to
go for the Cheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always
maintain my sense of the Ridiculous. I wear never to take my religion
so seriously that I forget to laugh and in token thereof do I give
fourth of my bodily fluids. |
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Spit into fire or spittoon. |
|
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Anoint and
Cleanse Initiates |
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HP takes beer or soda from altar and
anoints forehead of each initiate with the cough of "Ack." Mayo
mixed with tuna juice, or peanut butter, may be substituted for
those with a kinkier mindset. Replace anointing fluid on altar.
HPS censes each initiate with catnip incense. |
|
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Charge of Bill
the Cat |
| HP |
Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever
you have needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth
is full, then shall you spew forth in some public house or private
place or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill
the Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in lewd
or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these
will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily noises,
for I am come to tell you if it looketh gross and/or feeleth good,
if others need to turn away in embarrassment or disgust, if it causeth
others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter, and if none be truly
harmed, then have you stumbled into true oneness with the great spirit
of Bill: and as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked
in your rites for then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing
in your drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good
will and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying:
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill! |
|
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Libations and
Toasting |
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HPS burns a pinch of incense and opens
beer. Takes a swig of beer and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon).
Passes beer to the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process.
After everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and
the bottle or can is replaced on the altar. Pass the cat dish of
Goldfish shaped crackers. |
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Inner Mystery |
| HP |
Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the
Cat as told to us by Orenda, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the
Cat: Why do you wrap hamsters in electrical tape? So they don't explode
when you fuck them! |
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Conclusion |
| HPS |
Initiates, you are now full empowered
priests and priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your
own shrines and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word
(and anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: he's hot,
he's hip and he's hairy. Hail Bill! |
| All |
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! |
|
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Closing |
| HPS |
Thanks, Bill. Y'all come on back now,
hear? |
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HP walks to the west and waves, intoning ... |
| HP |
Bye-bye! |
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Repeats to east, then south, then north, or in
any random order. |
| HP |
Th-th-that's all, folks! It's Miller time! |
