'Twas the gatherin' o' the Clans, and all the Scots were there,
on their bagpipes and strokin' pussy hair.
Singin' "Wha'll dae ye, lassie,
wha'll dae ye noo?
The mon wha did ye last nicht cCannae dae ye noo."
Singin' " Balls to your partner, arse agin'; the wall,
If ye canna get laid this Saturday nicht, ye canna get laid at all. "
Oh the Ball, the Ball of Kirriemuir
Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!
Four and twenty virgins came
down from Inverness
And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!
The Queen was in the parlour, eatin' bread and honey
The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!
The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire
Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!
Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox
He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!
The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall
"Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"
The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair
The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!
There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks
You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!
They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs
You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!
The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?
Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat!
The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone
Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans!
Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers
He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!
The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to
Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!
John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game
He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!
The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat...
It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated
But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!
Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore
Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!
Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade
For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!
The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch
But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!
The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows
He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes!
The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much
His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!
The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb
workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come!
The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute
For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!
The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat
A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!
The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could
A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood!
The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees
the ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees!
The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood
He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!
The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles
A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style!
The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room
Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom!
The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight
They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight!
The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod
He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!
The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see
A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly!
The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob
They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!
There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones
You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!
(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles
Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!
All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked
For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!"
Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep
And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep!
(insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well
He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!
(insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys:
A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!
(insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice
He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!
(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!
(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet!
The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie
But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!
(insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis,
He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!
The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows
The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!"
Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back
The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak!
The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox
He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks!
Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild,
He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!
(insert name) he was there at the revel feast
He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!"
And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat
For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!
It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot
And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!
The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front
Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!
The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'
Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!
The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud
Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!
(insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits
Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!
The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!
The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front
He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their
The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,
And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!
The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:
Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!
The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires
He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!
(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,
With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!
The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin
Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!
The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass
He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!
One female musician was some sight to watch
With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch!
There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub
'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!
The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:
The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb!
The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;
The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!
(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass
And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass!
The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head
Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!
The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,
So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!
(insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall
A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!
The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all:
She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!"
(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:
He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!
(name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair,
Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!
(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:
Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!
(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,
Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!
(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:
He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!
(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree
With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!
The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,
So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!
The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits
The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!
(insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen
He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!
(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke
Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!
The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,
Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!
(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,
The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself!
(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:
You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!
(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep
The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!
(insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean,
Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!
They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!
First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,
But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!
The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,
The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!
(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,
(s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!
First lady over, second lady front,
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!
Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,
Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!
Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,
Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!
(insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!
His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!
A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald"
His rise it weighed a quarter-pound...he must be a MacDonald!
Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood,
Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!
Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds
Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )
Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE,
"The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!"
(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,
And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!
(name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,
She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!
The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration,
For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication!
(insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert,
With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!
(insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed,
And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!
Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,
You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!
(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,
Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!
The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,
He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!
(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,
So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!
(insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask,
God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask!
(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,
They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!
James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!
(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,
Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!
(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,
Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!
The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,
They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!
(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,
With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!
(insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump,
Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump!
(insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:
Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!
Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,
She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!
Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,
He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!
Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,
The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"
Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,
And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"
(Insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute,
He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute!
Good King (insert name) he was there, looking very regal;
He wrapped his pecker in duct-tape to make it combat-legal!
(insert name) she was there, lookin' woebegone,
'Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!
(insert name) (s)he was there, havin' quite a ball!
Shoutin' out "When I am (King/Queen), I'm gonna screw you all!"
All the (insert name) they were there, scratchin' at their jocks,
Doin' things like parakeets, and unsuspecting rocks!
(insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse,
He'd got a little drunk that night, and did his lady's horse!
(insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride,
But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!
(insert name) he was there, he canna see at all,
so he satisfied his urgin's at a knothole in the wall!
(insert name) he was there, his brain is in his cock,
He dragged his lady off by the heels, and filled her up with rocks!
(insert name) he was there, feelin' full of oats:
He diddled his lady from Land's End all the way to John O'Groats!
Elanor of Aquitane was dancin' round the room,
She didn't like the Lily, so she took up with the Broom!
Elanor of Aquitane was very, very nice....
She didn't like French Culture, so she tried the English Vice!
Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure,
With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin' on the floor!
The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam,
And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out "God save the Queen!"
Good old (insert name) he was there, takin' up the slack,
Separatin' the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!
(insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure;
We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one's very sure!
(insert name) was also there, and she was very shocked,
When she heard a shepherd boy yell "Lady, go get flocked!"
All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos,
Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!
There was doin's in the hallway, doin's on the stairs,
It was the biggest doin' there had been for years and years!
There was doin's in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks,
When (insert name) caught his -sporran- in some giant hollyhocks!
It looked sae funny hangin' there, that everybody jeered,
They'd never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard......!
Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm,
And grinned, and said "Another "do" won't do us any harm!"
They were doin' it in the garden, they were doin' it all around,
There were folks a-doin' on every inch of ground!
(insert name) he was there, sittin' on his tush,
He never made it to the point, just "beat around the bush...!"
William of the Shire was there, he wasna' in the race,
He wouldna' use his pecker, so he did 'em with his mace....!
There were lassies with the syphllis, and lassies wi' the piles,
And lassies wi' their hinder parts all wreathed up in smiles!
The village magician he was there, doin' his vanishin' trick:
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!
There were doin's in the gravel, there were doin's in the stones
You couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans!
There was doin's on the sofa, there was doin's in the chair,
And when they found the trampoline, there was doin's in the air!
Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song
And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!
The Sheriff of the Shire in the corner he did stand,
Giving his Staff of Office a polishin' with his hand.
The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire:
He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!
The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean;
A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!
The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass,
And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!
The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor,
And every time she ope'd her legs, the suction closed the door!
Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight;
He couldn't go join in the fun, he had to masturbate!
The blacksmith's wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire,
Performin' abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!
(Insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut!
Performin' things unspeakable wi' a North Sea halibut!
(Insert name) was also there, a-playin' fast and loose;
Rompin' 'round the barley fields with Marvin de la Moose!
(Insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse;
She'd worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!
(Insert name), she was there, and she is past eighteen;
She is a rapier fighter, so she diddled Florentine!
(Insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust,
He'd had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!
The Musketeers were also there, and they were fast and quick,
You should have seen their doin's with their muzzle-loading prick!
(Insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck
He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!
(Insert name) he was there, with his sharp Chibouk,
While nobody was watchin' him, he diddled him a Duke!
(Insert name) he was there, and he is most discreet
Underneath the bedsheets
wi' his favorite parakeet....!
captain he was there, he shouted out "Ahoy!"
We'd run clean out of lassies so he did his cabin-boy!
Stick your hand beneath my kilt; I'm a gruesome troubador!
And if you stick it there again, you'll see it grew some more!
All the Peers were also there, and they refused to work,
So they sat around in Circles, and they had a Circle-jerk!
"What the hell's a 'sporran'?" the lassie loudly begged;
She was answered: "It's the hairy thing between a Scotsman's legs!"
(Insert Irish name) he was there, doin' dogs and such,
You can always tell an Irishman, but y'canna tell him much!
(Insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl
He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!
(Insert name) was at the Ball, he's really quite bizarre,
We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!
The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force
They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!
There were doin's in the parlor, there was doin's in the grass
and all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!
(Insert name) he was there, and he was long and high,
But when he did her forty times, he was doin' mighty dry!
(Insert name) he was there, his prick was long and broad
But when he did the Duchess, well, she had to be re-bored!
(Insert name) had an even stroke, his skill was much admired
He diddled one cunt at a time until his skill expired....!
The village builder he was there, he brought his bag of tricks
He poured cement in all the cunts and blunted all the pricks!
(Insert name) he was there, the leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys to make their voices higher
Another idiot, he was there, leanin' on the gate
He couldn'a find a cunny, so he had to flatulate!
The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks
And in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks!
(Insert name) he was there, a-lookin' for a fuck
But all the cunts were occupied, and he was out of luck!
The Vicar and his lovely wife were havin' lots of fun:
The Vicar had his finger up another lady's bum!
There was fuckin' on the couches, and doin's in the punts
And linin' up against the wall were rows of grinnin' cunts!
(Insert name) he played a dirty trick, we canna let it pass
He showed his lass his mighty prick, and shoved it up her ass!
The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool;
He'd come eleven leagues or more and forgot to bring his tool!
The smithy's brother he was there, a mighty man is he;
He lined them up against the wall, and shagged 'em three by three!
There was doin's on the highway, there was doin's in the lanes,
You couldn'a here the music for the rattlin' of the stanes!
There was doin's on the couches, there was doin's on the cots,
And linin' up against the wall were rows of drooling twats!
(Insert name) he was there, drunk beyond a doot,
He tried to stuff the Parson's wife, but couldna' get the root!
(Insert name) he was there and he was in despair,
He couldna' get his pecker thru the tangled pubic hair!
(Insert name) did his doin's right upon the moor,
It was, he thought, much better than doin' on the floor!
(Insert name) he was there, his prick was all alert
But when only half the night was done, t'was danglin' in the dirt!
The doctor's daughter, she was there, she went to gather sticks
She couldna' find a blade of grass for cunts and standing pricks!
The village blacksmith he was there, roarin' like a lion,
He'd cut his prick off at the forge, so he used a red-hot iron!
The Mayor of the village, was doin' by the rule;
Partin' all the pubic hairs and wadin' thru the drool!
Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,
So she did the Fubba-Wubbas, while he diddled a Marine...!
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
With pussy fair, and pubic hair, and peckers in a row!
There was doin's in the kitchen, there was doin's in the halls
You couldna hear the music for the clangin' of the balls!
The Parson's daughter, she was there, the cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass, and thistles up her cunt!
(Insert name) was also there, this I must confess:
Buggerin' at the Parson's cat; it's "pussy" none the less!
(Insert name) he was there, a pervert all his life;
He didna do the lassies...he only did his wife!
I have a little pussy, her coat it is so warm,
And if she douches regular, she won't do me no harm!
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water;
They spent the day a-diddlin', doin' things they shouldn't oughter!
Ivan the Terrible he was there, that filthy Russian cad,
The Boyars called him "Terrible," the ladies said "Not bad!"
(Insert Arabic name) he was there, in his white burnoose,
He sat down at the table and he called for "Cunt au jus!"
I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me boys, for singin' this awful song,
But if I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me lass, I'm doin' you all wrong!
The village economist, he was there, his slide rule in his hand,
Figuring out exactly when supply would meet demand.
Henry the Fifth, he was there, and this is what he said:
"Once more out of your breeks, my friends, and give me English head!"
Ghengis Khan he was there, and he was such a fright!
"First you burn, and -then- you rape; 'tis best by firelight!"
(insert name) he was there, and he is big and hairy;
He spent the evening with a will, pluckin' virgin cherries!
The Parson's wife was there that night, sittin' by the fire,
Knittin' prophalactics with a rubber wire.
(insert name) was at the Ball, lookin' pretty grumpy;
His pecker isn't very long...the ladies call him "Stumpy!"
(insert name) was at the Ball, for this he is renowned:
His pecker is so very long, it drags along the ground!
The KaKhan of the Horde was there, and he is very smelly;
"First you rape, and THEN you burn; that's how to be rake-helly!"
(insert name) (s)he was there, and lookin' pretty foul,
Doin' seven horses, two chinchillas, and an owl!
The King is the biggest prick you've ever seen;
We may cry "God save the King," but, Lords, God save the Queen!
My Lady went to London, my Lady went to France,
My Lady goes to Fredrick's to buy her underpants!
My Lady's very beautiful, and this is what she wears:
Jewelry, and fancy gowns, but NEVER underwear!
(insert name) she was there, lyin' in the grass,
With "Property of (insert household name)" tatooed on her ass!
(insert name) he was there; we did a double-take,
When we saw him gettin' sexual with a shovel and a rake!
The yurt was getting noisy, the yurt was getting loud;
It was a Mongolian Cluster Fuck, and drawing quite a crowd!
The Old Professor, he was there, sittin' on a shelf,
Demonstratin' to all concerned how Man Makes Himself!
Dracula was also there, dressed up in his cape,
Explainin' to Van Helsing that "It vasn't really -rape-!"
The Computer Nerd he was there, his life was mighty rough,
Complainin' that the wet-ware wasn't wet enough!
The gamekeeper was there, my lads, his wife was on the rag--
So he fucked a fox, a deerhound and a ten-tine royal stag!
Jack the Ripper he was there, and busy, och, I'm sure --
Five-and-forty lassies and ilkae ane a hoor!
The village herpetologist, he fairly made us shake.
He was doin' it ane-and-twenty ways wi' a caiman and a snake!
And when the ball was over, the maidens all confessed,
Although they liked the music, the fucking was the best.